Life ramblings and the journey through adoption.
Here's the latest on the DC situation...
An e-mail from our friend, who met with the birth mom:
Met the birth mom, what a hoot that was, brought up the option of adoption and showed her your profile, she stated she thought you'd make wonderful parents, but she wasn't ready to give him up for adoption, even though she talked about it, she stated that she wants to keep him for now, but just needs help! WTF? Wants to keep him for now? He's not a dog! Hell I love my dog more than that, I held back the furry and the words of, You ungrateful fucking bitch, how dare you consider something so precious and so wonderful, so worthless and think nothing but about yourself and how much free time you have! Instead I said, well good luck with raising him and your other children and if you're decision changes and you're serious, please let me know.
Will it EVER be our turn? I KNOW, in my heart of hearts, that when it DOES happen, that all of this waiting, as if in the middle of a life-long prison sentence, will vanish in an instant.
But that does not, in any way, shape or form, take away from how I am feeling today. And DAMN! The holidays get harder each year - the first year without children, Narda and I said, ah, well, NEXT year, we'll be mommies; with a sparkle in our eyes, and hope in our hearts. Then last year came and went, and we reveled in the joy of our friend's kids, we were just finished “sperminating" and beginning the adoption journey, again, the sparkle in our eyes, and hope in our hearts.
This year? Although I'm SO truly terribly thrilled for those women who "get me," that are pregnant or already are parents (and Cat, Jen, Em, Sacha, Jennifer, Conch, etc. You KNOW who you are - this is NOT directed at YOU - KNOW THIS!) I'm SO bitter and jealous and hurt and angry. I spend so much time focusing on being the supportive friend to others, that I need to steal the spotlight a bit, and mope.
I Know this, too, shall pass. But I'm still in a sucky place. PLUS, I have the nastiest cold ever, and my period started today.
UGH
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
the sucky part of the holidays...
My dear friend "irl" (in real life) S @ Infertility Sucks! Has been through a LOT in her journey to be a mom. Like us, she and her husband have yet to actually achieve that goal.
Her latest post talks about dealing with life on a daily basis; her fourth holiday season with still no child, what her options were. I realized how similar we felt, and I wrote the following...
It IS a big, oozing, gaping wound that won't heal.
Time does help. Sean has a great idea - take some "you" time. Get away, stop the insanity, as that chick with the short white hair used to say.
And above all, don't make ANY decisions now, just be, and let the suckiness and joy of the holidays wash over you, and just get through them.
This Thanksgiving, Narda leans over to me and says, Yup, another one without a kid. It sucks to be us!
Yeah. It sucks to be us. There's NO taking that away.
But there are joyous and wonderful moments hiding in between the spaces of sadness. We just try to find more and more of them, and focus on that for now.
love you,
Shelli
It DOES suck big time, and there's no denying that. This is our third holiday season where we are not parents. We thought it would be so easy. How wrong we were.
So we look for those moments between the sadness, and I thank all of you for being a part of those moments.
And for THAT, I am thankful.
Her latest post talks about dealing with life on a daily basis; her fourth holiday season with still no child, what her options were. I realized how similar we felt, and I wrote the following...
It IS a big, oozing, gaping wound that won't heal.
Time does help. Sean has a great idea - take some "you" time. Get away, stop the insanity, as that chick with the short white hair used to say.
And above all, don't make ANY decisions now, just be, and let the suckiness and joy of the holidays wash over you, and just get through them.
This Thanksgiving, Narda leans over to me and says, Yup, another one without a kid. It sucks to be us!
Yeah. It sucks to be us. There's NO taking that away.
But there are joyous and wonderful moments hiding in between the spaces of sadness. We just try to find more and more of them, and focus on that for now.
love you,
Shelli
It DOES suck big time, and there's no denying that. This is our third holiday season where we are not parents. We thought it would be so easy. How wrong we were.
So we look for those moments between the sadness, and I thank all of you for being a part of those moments.
And for THAT, I am thankful.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
the bounty - I think I made a bit too much...
I made everything except the square thing at the forefront. (Janette's rice casserole, THANK YOU Janette for making this and dropping it off even though you went off to Florida!)
Oy! I didn't realize HOW much food I had actually made!
but it was YUMMY, and we'll be eating well for the next few days at least...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
the great divide...
We were supposed to go THE biggest lesbian party of the year tonight. I look forward to it every year - the night before thanksgiving, Shescape hosts a FABOO bash! In my younger years (koff, koff), I'd be there till 3am drinking and dancing the night away. Again, in my younger days, I had been know to do what is referred to as "drunk dialing." BAD IDEA.
'nuf said. :)
So here we are, the night before Thanksgiving, the broccoli kugel and the stuffing have been made, the turkey is in the brine, brining away in brown sugar and salted happiness, and BOTH Narda and I are coming down with colds.
I feel like crap.
No Shescape.
But here's the great divide - we were both happily sitting on the couch, in our jammies, drinking our airborne, watching HGTV, and then Lost at 9, and then it becomes 10pm.
I NEED to watch CSI. IN THE LIVING ROOM.
Narda NEEDS to watch Law and Order. IN THE LIVING ROOM.
Guess who won?
:)
But that's part of why I'm so in love with for her, she lets me get my way sometimes.
AND, she made me decaf coffee.
She rocks.
And I'm watching CSI NY - gotta go!
'nuf said. :)
So here we are, the night before Thanksgiving, the broccoli kugel and the stuffing have been made, the turkey is in the brine, brining away in brown sugar and salted happiness, and BOTH Narda and I are coming down with colds.
I feel like crap.
No Shescape.
But here's the great divide - we were both happily sitting on the couch, in our jammies, drinking our airborne, watching HGTV, and then Lost at 9, and then it becomes 10pm.
I NEED to watch CSI. IN THE LIVING ROOM.
Narda NEEDS to watch Law and Order. IN THE LIVING ROOM.
Guess who won?
:)
But that's part of why I'm so in love with for her, she lets me get my way sometimes.
AND, she made me decaf coffee.
She rocks.
And I'm watching CSI NY - gotta go!
Happy Thanksgiving...
I will more than likely not be posting tomorrow, but if I am, PHEW, it means I got all of the cooking done!
One of my on-line supprot groups started a list - top ten things to be grateful for. The first few were easy, then it got hard. But it was a good excercise, as it put me in a really good place.
Please share your list, too!
1) Narda, the love of my life. (even when we fight!) Smile
2) our lovely kitties, they are a silly and loving source of joy in an otherwise difficult time
3) a wonderful and awesome job (I just wish it paid a wee more!)
4) a fabulous apartment, that is our true "home"
5) my health, Narda's health, my family's health
6) my friends - on-line and off - I can be myself and laugh, cry, scream, and I still feel loved, and I adore you all!
7) my blog - it's been a great source for me to share my emotions, when that's normally a hard thing for me to do
8) my faith in G-d, even when I'm angry at G-d, I still know He (She?)'s there, and will send me little signs that I'm being taken care of...
9) nature, and I hope that She continues to thrive, so I do everything I can to help keep Her healthy
10) our child that is yet to be, I know you are out there...
One of my on-line supprot groups started a list - top ten things to be grateful for. The first few were easy, then it got hard. But it was a good excercise, as it put me in a really good place.
Please share your list, too!
1) Narda, the love of my life. (even when we fight!) Smile
2) our lovely kitties, they are a silly and loving source of joy in an otherwise difficult time
3) a wonderful and awesome job (I just wish it paid a wee more!)
4) a fabulous apartment, that is our true "home"
5) my health, Narda's health, my family's health
6) my friends - on-line and off - I can be myself and laugh, cry, scream, and I still feel loved, and I adore you all!
7) my blog - it's been a great source for me to share my emotions, when that's normally a hard thing for me to do
8) my faith in G-d, even when I'm angry at G-d, I still know He (She?)'s there, and will send me little signs that I'm being taken care of...
9) nature, and I hope that She continues to thrive, so I do everything I can to help keep Her healthy
10) our child that is yet to be, I know you are out there...
the bird is in the brine...
Here's the visual to what I was describing yesterday. I'll add more ice when I get home from work,(and I actually added some ice packs in ziplock baggies just a moemnt ago) and take it out around 9am tomorrow morning.
Nice.and.juicy.
YUM!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
stuffing, done!
Saute onions, scallions in olive oil, add mushrooms, veggie broth, cooked brown and wild rice, and seasonings. Stir it up, then put it in the fridge for the next day's stuffing activities.
yummmmmmmmmm.
Which Buffy Character are YOU!
Faith 63% amorality, 54% passion, 36% spirituality, 36% selflessness |
Faith is a powerhouse, and you might be, too. Passion-driven, down-to-earth, and willing to do what it takes to get things done and have a good time doing them, she is tough and sexy. Now, this test didn't rate your sexiness, but with these kinds of traits, that's probably true as well. You rate as one of the most dynamic characters of the Buffy universe. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following: Nerds, Geeks & Dorks Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE 4-VARIABLE BUFFY PERSONALITY TEST |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Monday, November 21, 2005
sharin' some love...
Firstly, go over to my dear gal, S and share some love, BIG time - IVF #2=BFN, and that's after a +FET, that resulted in an m/c. (If the "lingo" is foreign to you, suffice it to say - it sucks, and go send her some sugar!)
Love you, S. Truly. Enjoy the sushi and wine...
And to my girl Cat - I have 3 words: HANAMUS IS UPONAMUS! ROCK ON! I can't wait! (so S, I hope you and Mr. S come too, we'll have a great time...)
Love you, S. Truly. Enjoy the sushi and wine...
And to my girl Cat - I have 3 words: HANAMUS IS UPONAMUS! ROCK ON! I can't wait! (so S, I hope you and Mr. S come too, we'll have a great time...)
no news, yet again; so let's talk turkey
As we sit and wait, and plan to wait our entire lives to be parents - it's really getting depressing here, to be honest. And I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of gal.
So let's talk turkey.
What are your Thanksgiving plans? I'm a little sad, because it's one of my favorite holidays, and I LOVE entertaining for the masses, and we have two frineds coming over - it will be RIGHT up Narda's alley, however, as she LOVES small gatherings. We'll have to evnetually work that one out, as when it's time to get married legally in NY, you KNOW I'll be wanting to throw the party of the century, and Narda would like a small reception for maybe 25 people...Um, add a zero to that, please! :)
So tell me what your plans are, and better yet, tell me HOW you are preparing the bird. Me? I'm doing a brine - I tried it for the first time last year, and I LOVED it - it was EXTRA juicy, and really easy to do, and to keep moist. You can find zillions of brine recipes online, but here's the easy way:
Get a bucket type object. Put the bucket-type-object in the bath tub. Fill it with a BOX of Kosher Salt, a BOX of brown sugar, 2 bags of ice, and put the naked bird in. Fill with cold tap water to cover the bird. leave overnight. Rinse bird off in the morning, and cook as desired.
YUM!
So let's talk turkey.
What are your Thanksgiving plans? I'm a little sad, because it's one of my favorite holidays, and I LOVE entertaining for the masses, and we have two frineds coming over - it will be RIGHT up Narda's alley, however, as she LOVES small gatherings. We'll have to evnetually work that one out, as when it's time to get married legally in NY, you KNOW I'll be wanting to throw the party of the century, and Narda would like a small reception for maybe 25 people...Um, add a zero to that, please! :)
So tell me what your plans are, and better yet, tell me HOW you are preparing the bird. Me? I'm doing a brine - I tried it for the first time last year, and I LOVED it - it was EXTRA juicy, and really easy to do, and to keep moist. You can find zillions of brine recipes online, but here's the easy way:
Get a bucket type object. Put the bucket-type-object in the bath tub. Fill it with a BOX of Kosher Salt, a BOX of brown sugar, 2 bags of ice, and put the naked bird in. Fill with cold tap water to cover the bird. leave overnight. Rinse bird off in the morning, and cook as desired.
YUM!
Sunday, November 20, 2005
$1.99!
In case some of you haven't noticed, google has made a guest appearance on my blog!
I have earned $1.99 so far, just by you guys clicking on the links to the right.
Is this a sell-out? a cop-out? Giving in to "the man?" Nope - just trying to earn a little extra for all of our adoption expenses! I get a little money each time one of you simply clicks on a link.
So please, please, click away! And use the search bar on the upper right.
I thank you in advance.
xoxox,
Shelli
I have earned $1.99 so far, just by you guys clicking on the links to the right.
Is this a sell-out? a cop-out? Giving in to "the man?" Nope - just trying to earn a little extra for all of our adoption expenses! I get a little money each time one of you simply clicks on a link.
So please, please, click away! And use the search bar on the upper right.
I thank you in advance.
xoxox,
Shelli
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Update
So after speaking with Nicole (the FABOO) Social Worker, she informs us that we would be on our own, as Spence Chapin deals with Birth Moms in the tri-state area only (NY, NJ, CT). They would however (this is why they are FABOO) Coach us through the process, and give us all of the right questions to ask.
So IF this goes forward (Lillian, I'm going to e-mail you about how it all worked with Ethan..) then we'd get a lawyer for US, and a SEPARATE lawyer for her, and have to go to Maryland for about 2 weeks while it all went through.
EEK.
And again, IF this goes through.
I woke up at 5am thinking about it all.
Stupid shit, like: Fuck, Juno is now on thyroid meds, and needs to be fed TWICE a day - who in the heck will do that?! Annette? I hope so. Can I work it out so that I can commute in once or twice a week to a) check in on the cats, and b) head into work. Well, I DO have an external hard drive, so I *could* do work from the road - well, I have 4 vacation days left, and would this count towards FMLA? Damn, I'm fat. Quincy get OFF THE &^%$#* DRESSER!
These are the thoughts that wake me up WAY too early.
So there ya go. AND we have the lovely Amy and her fiance Issac here for the weekend, from London, PLUS Thauna and her boyfriend, Rodolfo in from Hawaii - she was here last night, Amy and Issac are here through Monday, and then Thauna and Rodolfo are here Monday night. It's a wonderful distraction from you know, waiting for the phone to ring.
And as for the last situation... Spence STILL has not heard from her, and is chalking it up to her deciding to parent. So there you have it.
And can I just say that it went from monster humidity to SERIOUSLY DRY air in a matter of days? MY skin is SOOO itchy - I guess it's time to bring the humidifyer up from the basement.
OK, enough of my pre-coffee ramblings. thank you all for your kind responses, it truly helps, and gives me lots of warm fuzzies!
Now... do any of you know a GLBT friendly adoption lawyer in Maryland? :)
So IF this goes forward (Lillian, I'm going to e-mail you about how it all worked with Ethan..) then we'd get a lawyer for US, and a SEPARATE lawyer for her, and have to go to Maryland for about 2 weeks while it all went through.
EEK.
And again, IF this goes through.
I woke up at 5am thinking about it all.
Stupid shit, like: Fuck, Juno is now on thyroid meds, and needs to be fed TWICE a day - who in the heck will do that?! Annette? I hope so. Can I work it out so that I can commute in once or twice a week to a) check in on the cats, and b) head into work. Well, I DO have an external hard drive, so I *could* do work from the road - well, I have 4 vacation days left, and would this count towards FMLA? Damn, I'm fat. Quincy get OFF THE &^%$#* DRESSER!
These are the thoughts that wake me up WAY too early.
So there ya go. AND we have the lovely Amy and her fiance Issac here for the weekend, from London, PLUS Thauna and her boyfriend, Rodolfo in from Hawaii - she was here last night, Amy and Issac are here through Monday, and then Thauna and Rodolfo are here Monday night. It's a wonderful distraction from you know, waiting for the phone to ring.
And as for the last situation... Spence STILL has not heard from her, and is chalking it up to her deciding to parent. So there you have it.
And can I just say that it went from monster humidity to SERIOUSLY DRY air in a matter of days? MY skin is SOOO itchy - I guess it's time to bring the humidifyer up from the basement.
OK, enough of my pre-coffee ramblings. thank you all for your kind responses, it truly helps, and gives me lots of warm fuzzies!
Now... do any of you know a GLBT friendly adoption lawyer in Maryland? :)
Friday, November 18, 2005
another possibility?
I get a message on my flickr page from an old FF girl...
(see if you can follow, it's kind of a "who's on 1st" scenario)
Shelli-This is the only way I knew to get in touch with you. I am contacting you on a long shot, forgive me if this gives you and Narda any heartache, but you two are the first people I thought of for this. BTW, this is Christy XXXX from Fertility Friend, we were using the same donor, XXX at one point in time through Fairfax Cryobank. My ex girlfriend's brother's girlfriend wants to give her baby up for adoption, he is only 7 weeks old. If you're interested, please email me and I will give you my cell number and we can chat more xxxxxxx@hotmail.com. Please understand I am not trying to bring heartache or anything to you guys, it's just a thought, that might help make a family for you. Best wishes and I hope you're well.
I have contacted Nicole (our faboo SW), and asked her to have the birthparents contact Spence-Chapin.
the baby is in Maryland. He is a bi-racial, healthy baby boy. (our dream scenario!)
It may not work, but it *could*
When one door closes...
Anyone know about intra-state adoptions between NY and Maryland?
I'm off to go google...
Update - Link: Maryland adoption laws
(see if you can follow, it's kind of a "who's on 1st" scenario)
Shelli-This is the only way I knew to get in touch with you. I am contacting you on a long shot, forgive me if this gives you and Narda any heartache, but you two are the first people I thought of for this. BTW, this is Christy XXXX from Fertility Friend, we were using the same donor, XXX at one point in time through Fairfax Cryobank. My ex girlfriend's brother's girlfriend wants to give her baby up for adoption, he is only 7 weeks old. If you're interested, please email me and I will give you my cell number and we can chat more xxxxxxx@hotmail.com. Please understand I am not trying to bring heartache or anything to you guys, it's just a thought, that might help make a family for you. Best wishes and I hope you're well.
I have contacted Nicole (our faboo SW), and asked her to have the birthparents contact Spence-Chapin.
the baby is in Maryland. He is a bi-racial, healthy baby boy. (our dream scenario!)
It may not work, but it *could*
When one door closes...
Anyone know about intra-state adoptions between NY and Maryland?
I'm off to go google...
Update - Link: Maryland adoption laws
cast list credits - cameraphone
Harry Potter was great!
No news yet, so we focus on houseguests.
I have a sinking feeling.
Onwards, right?...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
still no news...
an e-mail from our SW...
I still haven't heard anything. Elizabeth (Birth mom's Social Worker) knows to let me know right away if she does. I'm not sure what this means Elizabeth is surprised she hasn't heard from her as well. It might mean she has decided to parent but it still is to early to jump to any conclusions. I will be out of the office tomorrow but I will be checking my messages if I hear anything I will call you. If not again hang in there and try to have a good weekend. - Nicole
I still haven't heard anything. Elizabeth (Birth mom's Social Worker) knows to let me know right away if she does. I'm not sure what this means Elizabeth is surprised she hasn't heard from her as well. It might mean she has decided to parent but it still is to early to jump to any conclusions. I will be out of the office tomorrow but I will be checking my messages if I hear anything I will call you. If not again hang in there and try to have a good weekend. - Nicole
What kind of freaky mama are you?
Or, will be, in our case...
For the record, I sent a note to Nicole, and she sent a lovely note back. Promising that as SOON as she hears soemthing, she'll call.
I'm wishy-washy about knowing anything. Thinking it won't happen - so just focusing on the weekend, and getting ready for Thanksgiving - hey I'm cooking a bird, and there will be beer, so if any of you need a place to go.... all are welcome!
You're a girl power mommy! You love to be girly,
but you're no pushover. Your kids are learning
that gender differences don't have to mean
gender inequality. You've taken back pink, and
you don't care who knows it!
What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
For the record, I sent a note to Nicole, and she sent a lovely note back. Promising that as SOON as she hears soemthing, she'll call.
I'm wishy-washy about knowing anything. Thinking it won't happen - so just focusing on the weekend, and getting ready for Thanksgiving - hey I'm cooking a bird, and there will be beer, so if any of you need a place to go.... all are welcome!
You're a girl power mommy! You love to be girly,
but you're no pushover. Your kids are learning
that gender differences don't have to mean
gender inequality. You've taken back pink, and
you don't care who knows it!
What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
it was bounf to happen...
Infertility. The Musical
I haven't seen it, so I can't judge.
I'm skeptical, of course, but hey! the author and lyricist is the father of IVF twins, so perhaps there's something there.
I haven't seen it, so I can't judge.
I'm skeptical, of course, but hey! the author and lyricist is the father of IVF twins, so perhaps there's something there.
ahhhhhhh, I see...
So Narda finally gets a hold of Nicole, and for the first time in a year, she wasn't so faboo!
She was a little curt with Narda, seeming almost annoyed that she had called.
But she ended up saying that it's OK to call, that's what she's there for? Hmmmm.
Anyway, it was the Birth MOM's best friend that called the agency, to say that she was in labor. The agency hasn't heard from anyone since.
So that's why no calls have come in.
NO ONE knows what's going on.
So there ya have it.
I am going to focus on the fact that Thauna comes tomrrow, and Amy and Issac come Friday, and chalk this up to not happening, unless I hear otherwise.
Life is going on.
She was a little curt with Narda, seeming almost annoyed that she had called.
But she ended up saying that it's OK to call, that's what she's there for? Hmmmm.
Anyway, it was the Birth MOM's best friend that called the agency, to say that she was in labor. The agency hasn't heard from anyone since.
So that's why no calls have come in.
NO ONE knows what's going on.
So there ya have it.
I am going to focus on the fact that Thauna comes tomrrow, and Amy and Issac come Friday, and chalk this up to not happening, unless I hear otherwise.
Life is going on.
no news is bad news?
or...
"a watched phone never rings..."
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
So here it is, 3:11pm, and seriously, don't you think we would have heard something by now? ANYTHING?
ugh.
Back to the negative place. Hope has SO flown the coop!
"a watched phone never rings..."
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
So here it is, 3:11pm, and seriously, don't you think we would have heard something by now? ANYTHING?
ugh.
Back to the negative place. Hope has SO flown the coop!
which one are you?
(note the theme today - DISTRACTION...)
:)
Big Boo-tay!
Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
:)
Big Boo-tay!
Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
She's in labor
Why do they always go into labor early?!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
So our FABOO social Worker, Nicole, calls from her cell phone, saying that the birth mother left a message for HER SW that she was in labor.
next step? We wait to hear from OUR SW, to see if one of the following will happen:
1) She wants to parent (NOT such a worry for us, as she is 34, lives with a roommate, and is set on an adoption plan - UNLIKE the August situation, where she was 16 and WANTED to keep the baby, but her mom only relented in the hospital, after birth...)
2) She wants to look at other options for parents (A HIGH Probability, and what we fear)
3) She will want to move forward with us. (Ayieeeeeee! - Exciting and terrifying at the same time...)
A part of me thinks that maybe had Narda and I been in NY in August, instead of California, and that IF we had met with Tiarra, that she may have had a visual image of the potential parents for her child, and that it may have made it easier for her to go forward with an adoption plan, instead of parenting herself. But I know deep down that that is not true. The thoughts still come, however...
I know I cannot live in the "what-if's," it leads nowhere. But now I fear that since THIS Birth Mother has not met us, that perhaps it's the same thing - we get a call, birth mother goes into labor early, decides to parent.
It is a fear, only because it is what we know, it is our experience.
Ultimately, we know nothing, and are waiting - we were resigned to it "not" happening, but now, hope is knocking on our window... and of course, I'm afraid to let her in.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
So our FABOO social Worker, Nicole, calls from her cell phone, saying that the birth mother left a message for HER SW that she was in labor.
next step? We wait to hear from OUR SW, to see if one of the following will happen:
1) She wants to parent (NOT such a worry for us, as she is 34, lives with a roommate, and is set on an adoption plan - UNLIKE the August situation, where she was 16 and WANTED to keep the baby, but her mom only relented in the hospital, after birth...)
2) She wants to look at other options for parents (A HIGH Probability, and what we fear)
3) She will want to move forward with us. (Ayieeeeeee! - Exciting and terrifying at the same time...)
A part of me thinks that maybe had Narda and I been in NY in August, instead of California, and that IF we had met with Tiarra, that she may have had a visual image of the potential parents for her child, and that it may have made it easier for her to go forward with an adoption plan, instead of parenting herself. But I know deep down that that is not true. The thoughts still come, however...
I know I cannot live in the "what-if's," it leads nowhere. But now I fear that since THIS Birth Mother has not met us, that perhaps it's the same thing - we get a call, birth mother goes into labor early, decides to parent.
It is a fear, only because it is what we know, it is our experience.
Ultimately, we know nothing, and are waiting - we were resigned to it "not" happening, but now, hope is knocking on our window... and of course, I'm afraid to let her in.
search this!
OK, so according to my stat counter, a recent MSN search engine came up with my site after entering the words:
red carpet boob fell out
huh?
Go figure.
red carpet boob fell out
huh?
Go figure.
Monday, November 14, 2005
I'm SOOOOOOO pro union. BUT...
This whole union strike by the graduate assistants here at NYU is RIDICULOUS!
I am a member of Actors Equity Association, I've been part of strikes, I believe in NOT crossing picket lines, I am about as Pro-union as it gets.
But I cannot endorse the current GA strike against NYU.
1) the graduate students have to pay union dues, and receive NO benefits from them. NYU pays all of their health insurance.
2) in order for a person to become vested in their pension, one usually needs to invest 5 years to the union. Um, Grad school is only 3 years long (for most people...)
3) after graduation, there will be NO work for them within the AUTO WORKERS union.
4) they are students, they applied to NYU to learn and get a degree, not to be a union member.
I could go on, and I'm sure there are TONS of folks out there who would disagree with me. Please share your views, honestly, I'm curious to hear something that could change my mind. As I said before I'm WAY PRO UNION. but this is not the way to go. there are other ways for them to get their needs met.
I am a member of Actors Equity Association, I've been part of strikes, I believe in NOT crossing picket lines, I am about as Pro-union as it gets.
But I cannot endorse the current GA strike against NYU.
1) the graduate students have to pay union dues, and receive NO benefits from them. NYU pays all of their health insurance.
2) in order for a person to become vested in their pension, one usually needs to invest 5 years to the union. Um, Grad school is only 3 years long (for most people...)
3) after graduation, there will be NO work for them within the AUTO WORKERS union.
4) they are students, they applied to NYU to learn and get a degree, not to be a union member.
I could go on, and I'm sure there are TONS of folks out there who would disagree with me. Please share your views, honestly, I'm curious to hear something that could change my mind. As I said before I'm WAY PRO UNION. but this is not the way to go. there are other ways for them to get their needs met.
Friday, November 11, 2005
update...
So the Birth mother had to call and cancel, as she was feeling sick, and HER Social Worker confirmed that she did not sound well.
So she will probably re-schedule for next week.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
BUT.....
Out of the 4 families:
-One became unavailable, due to another placement.
-Two were uncomfortable with the birthmother's alcohol usage.
So we are the only family left.
However.....
Our agency does not like to tell birth mothers that "there's only one left" so they will tell her that we enthusiastically said YES, and they want to show her a few more families, as the other families became "unavailable."
So this is good news? Kind of.
Either she will go ahead, and say yep, I chose this family, and it looks good to me, or she will ask to look at other families, and make a new decision. Fridays are good for her (OY!), but HER SW will try and encourage her to come in earlier.
So all we know is that we continue to wait...
So she will probably re-schedule for next week.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
BUT.....
Out of the 4 families:
-One became unavailable, due to another placement.
-Two were uncomfortable with the birthmother's alcohol usage.
So we are the only family left.
However.....
Our agency does not like to tell birth mothers that "there's only one left" so they will tell her that we enthusiastically said YES, and they want to show her a few more families, as the other families became "unavailable."
So this is good news? Kind of.
Either she will go ahead, and say yep, I chose this family, and it looks good to me, or she will ask to look at other families, and make a new decision. Fridays are good for her (OY!), but HER SW will try and encourage her to come in earlier.
So all we know is that we continue to wait...
breakdown at the gym...
So a few months back, I figured out how to upload songs onto a computer, compress them into MP3 format, and burn a disk with said songs. So NOW, instead of having to select the same 18-20 songs to have on my "gym work out CD," I can have 80! OR more, if I really wanted - but I usually just get through about 25-40, depending on how many I skip over.
Yesterday, I STARTED on song #45, and as I worked my way through the songs, it was fun to have "new" songs to work out to.
Song #63 - "Little star" by Madonna. It had NEVER occured to me, until I heard it yesterday, while on the bike (I usually do weights, treadmill, then bike, as a cool-down), that it was a LULLABY from Madonna to her kids. The words are:
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole
Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love
You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star
There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star
May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star
Shining bright
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart
Never forget who you are
(Whispered:) Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget where you come from
From love
Little star
Little star
(Whispered:) Little star
From love
OK, so I'm there, on the bike, and I kind of start to lose it. I mean, why can't I be singing a lullaby to MY child right now? I felt very overwhelmed.
I kept my composure, only as much as one is capable to do so on a bike, in the gym, and then completed my work out, did my stretches, and went to the locker room. It was empty. I sat down and cried. But it wasn't the "I want to be a mom" cry, it was "I HAVE to lose this weight" cry.
I blame all of this on Peggy, my therapist - I RARELY cry in her office - I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I've cried in her office - and one of them was days after I quit smoking. So as for the pure, I'm hurting cry, it's rare. I just feel odd crying in front of other people. Even Peggy. But we talked about my mom's e-mail, and it brought shit up. So I was somber at the least.
So perhaps the cry I had at the gym last night was the cry I needed to have in Peggy's office - and you know, when you get to "that place" it ALL comes up - "Why aren't we parents yet?," "Why don't I feel like I have any control over my weight loss right now?" - you know, ALL of it.
I feel better, and I know I have to plan my food out, because a "failure to plan, is a plan to fail."
I think I have to go back to some of my old OA thinking about it. I ran into not one, but TWO OA folks over the course of a few weeks, so yeah, it's a G-d thing. I totally believe that. So I have to plan my food on a daily basis. Because that's what works for me - I can combine the WW and OA stuff into one program for ME.
It's also Friday.
Hopefully, the birth mother comes into the office today at 2pm.
Hopefully, we'll know something later today.
I'm so nervous.
I'm STILL so hurt by my mom's comments.
I'm in such a weird place with my body, but I AM proud of fact that my old bulimic head didn't pay me a visit yesterday, when I was feeling vunerable.
That's something.
Yesterday, I STARTED on song #45, and as I worked my way through the songs, it was fun to have "new" songs to work out to.
Song #63 - "Little star" by Madonna. It had NEVER occured to me, until I heard it yesterday, while on the bike (I usually do weights, treadmill, then bike, as a cool-down), that it was a LULLABY from Madonna to her kids. The words are:
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole
Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love
You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star
There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star
May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star
Shining bright
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart
Never forget who you are
(Whispered:) Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky
Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget where you come from
From love
Little star
Little star
(Whispered:) Little star
From love
OK, so I'm there, on the bike, and I kind of start to lose it. I mean, why can't I be singing a lullaby to MY child right now? I felt very overwhelmed.
I kept my composure, only as much as one is capable to do so on a bike, in the gym, and then completed my work out, did my stretches, and went to the locker room. It was empty. I sat down and cried. But it wasn't the "I want to be a mom" cry, it was "I HAVE to lose this weight" cry.
I blame all of this on Peggy, my therapist - I RARELY cry in her office - I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I've cried in her office - and one of them was days after I quit smoking. So as for the pure, I'm hurting cry, it's rare. I just feel odd crying in front of other people. Even Peggy. But we talked about my mom's e-mail, and it brought shit up. So I was somber at the least.
So perhaps the cry I had at the gym last night was the cry I needed to have in Peggy's office - and you know, when you get to "that place" it ALL comes up - "Why aren't we parents yet?," "Why don't I feel like I have any control over my weight loss right now?" - you know, ALL of it.
I feel better, and I know I have to plan my food out, because a "failure to plan, is a plan to fail."
I think I have to go back to some of my old OA thinking about it. I ran into not one, but TWO OA folks over the course of a few weeks, so yeah, it's a G-d thing. I totally believe that. So I have to plan my food on a daily basis. Because that's what works for me - I can combine the WW and OA stuff into one program for ME.
It's also Friday.
Hopefully, the birth mother comes into the office today at 2pm.
Hopefully, we'll know something later today.
I'm so nervous.
I'm STILL so hurt by my mom's comments.
I'm in such a weird place with my body, but I AM proud of fact that my old bulimic head didn't pay me a visit yesterday, when I was feeling vunerable.
That's something.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Visit my nation
Go read about the Democratic Republic of Aderman!
the nation of me!
And you can create your own country, too.
Thanks to Lorem Ipsum for the link!
the nation of me!
And you can create your own country, too.
Thanks to Lorem Ipsum for the link!
3 days!
until the PREMIERE....
The following is snatched from Mugglenet.com:
NYC Premiere Attendees
It has been announced that the following Potter actors, as well as David Heyman, will be making appearances at the New York City Goblet of Fire Premiere:
Daniel Radcliffe
Emma Watson
Rupert Grint
Ralph Fiennes
Brendan Gleeson
Miranda Richardson
Robert Pattinson
Stanislav Ianevski
Katie Leung
Jamie Waylett
Jason Isaacs
James and Oliver Phelps
Matthew Lewis
Tolga Safer
Other guests include Susan Sarandon and Ann Curry. The Premiere will start at 4 PM this Saturday, November 12th, at Ziegfeld Theater, 141 W 54th St. Stars are expected to begin arriving at 3 PM.
um, add SHELLI to that list!
Then we see the movie at midnight on the 18th - so actually a week from tomorrow night, at 11:59pm.
can you say Shelli's a N-E-R-D?
Good, I knew you could... :)
The following is snatched from Mugglenet.com:
NYC Premiere Attendees
It has been announced that the following Potter actors, as well as David Heyman, will be making appearances at the New York City Goblet of Fire Premiere:
Daniel Radcliffe
Emma Watson
Rupert Grint
Ralph Fiennes
Brendan Gleeson
Miranda Richardson
Robert Pattinson
Stanislav Ianevski
Katie Leung
Jamie Waylett
Jason Isaacs
James and Oliver Phelps
Matthew Lewis
Tolga Safer
Other guests include Susan Sarandon and Ann Curry. The Premiere will start at 4 PM this Saturday, November 12th, at Ziegfeld Theater, 141 W 54th St. Stars are expected to begin arriving at 3 PM.
um, add SHELLI to that list!
Then we see the movie at midnight on the 18th - so actually a week from tomorrow night, at 11:59pm.
can you say Shelli's a N-E-R-D?
Good, I knew you could... :)
74%
74% of people in Texas voted to BAN Civil Unions for Same Sex couples.
Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
And then use your power to VOTE for change.
This need not be permanent.
It simply means that Narda and I will NEVER move to Texas...
Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
And then use your power to VOTE for change.
This need not be permanent.
It simply means that Narda and I will NEVER move to Texas...
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The Naked Ovary
I LOVE reading the naked ovary - she's funny, going through adoption herself, and real.
And her website is well layed out and fun to read.
She posed a question today about "background checks" - go read it, it's a good one - the upshot being, since those of us adopting have to go through such a serious process just to be considered eligible to adopt a child, she poses the question of: "Should bio-parents" have to do the same?
It might make you giggle at first, but seriously. Why not? Why not have pregnant women and their mates (those that want to parent) do a modified version of the adoption process - go get fingerprinted, have to fill out a bit of paperwork, just to make sure they are on the up and up, you know? Now of course, there are many ramifications, and I'm NOT a fan of increased government interference in my private life, but I'm kind of intreigued by the thought of further child-protection policies in place, you know?
What do you think? Go read the Naked Ovary and share your opinions here and there, as well.
And her website is well layed out and fun to read.
She posed a question today about "background checks" - go read it, it's a good one - the upshot being, since those of us adopting have to go through such a serious process just to be considered eligible to adopt a child, she poses the question of: "Should bio-parents" have to do the same?
It might make you giggle at first, but seriously. Why not? Why not have pregnant women and their mates (those that want to parent) do a modified version of the adoption process - go get fingerprinted, have to fill out a bit of paperwork, just to make sure they are on the up and up, you know? Now of course, there are many ramifications, and I'm NOT a fan of increased government interference in my private life, but I'm kind of intreigued by the thought of further child-protection policies in place, you know?
What do you think? Go read the Naked Ovary and share your opinions here and there, as well.
Monday, November 07, 2005
ugh-UPDATED
So my mother sends me an e-mail that says: "you can have what Sacha has. If you choose." I played dumb and sent her an e-mail back, asking her to explain what she meant. What she meant is that Sacha (one of my oldest and dearest friends) lives in Portland, with her HUSBAND, and two children. It was such a low blow, so hurtful, and sadly, a reminder that contact with her future grandchild will be VERY limited.
Oy.
***She writes back, stating that: "You could be married and have children. If you choose." I wrote back that I am, for all intents and purposes, and that we are trying to do so.
UGH***
AND, Dr. Park, my audiologist calls back with the results from my hearing test, and "all is normal." Thank G-d, but now he says I probably have a "central processing disorder.' - go on, google it - ack.
AND, the Birth mom will be in the office on FRIDAY. at 2pm. So we may not hear anything until Monday. Oh yeah, and it's a girl, and she has a name picked out already, and would be very interested in a direct placement.
We are waiting to hear back how many of the other families said yes.
So we wait.
It's a hard day today.
Oy.
***She writes back, stating that: "You could be married and have children. If you choose." I wrote back that I am, for all intents and purposes, and that we are trying to do so.
UGH***
AND, Dr. Park, my audiologist calls back with the results from my hearing test, and "all is normal." Thank G-d, but now he says I probably have a "central processing disorder.' - go on, google it - ack.
AND, the Birth mom will be in the office on FRIDAY. at 2pm. So we may not hear anything until Monday. Oh yeah, and it's a girl, and she has a name picked out already, and would be very interested in a direct placement.
We are waiting to hear back how many of the other families said yes.
So we wait.
It's a hard day today.
oh.my.goodness.the.cuteness! **Edited**
Bobby got a new baby, which he calls "boo-boo-baby-girl-bulldog" and we call Dixie May Louise.
Whatever her name may eventually become, she's cute as a button, and JUST ADORABLE! Don't you agree?
**her name is now Spike - or: boo-boo-baby-girl-bulldog-spike. I think we'll call her Boo boo baby girl... :)**
Friday, November 04, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
coloboma...
We got a call from our agency (of course, the DAY after we mail our stuff off to Friends in Adoption) and there are two concerns:
1) she drank moderately (3 drinks a week for the first few months of pregnancy) - we might be more oK with that, as we know there's always 'something"...
2) The Birth Mother has COLOBOMA. It is an eye condition, and she is legally blind.
After she discovered she was pg two months ago (and she's due Dec. 1st) she began receiving prenatal care. All things indicate the baby is healthy and on track (Baruch Ha'Shem)
She has chosen 4 families, so there is obviously the option that she may not even pick us.
We realize that there is always a risk, this is our 7th call. it's a lucky number for me. May G-d shine upon us and let this work, and help the birth mom have a healthy baby. (she's due December 1st...)
1) she drank moderately (3 drinks a week for the first few months of pregnancy) - we might be more oK with that, as we know there's always 'something"...
2) The Birth Mother has COLOBOMA. It is an eye condition, and she is legally blind.
After she discovered she was pg two months ago (and she's due Dec. 1st) she began receiving prenatal care. All things indicate the baby is healthy and on track (Baruch Ha'Shem)
She has chosen 4 families, so there is obviously the option that she may not even pick us.
We realize that there is always a risk, this is our 7th call. it's a lucky number for me. May G-d shine upon us and let this work, and help the birth mom have a healthy baby. (she's due December 1st...)
Ushpizin
Narda and I went to see the most charming Israeli flick last night, called USHPIZIN - in Hebrew it means literally holy guests. It is the "etherial" guests that we are supposed to invite to our sukkot (plural) over the holiday of Sukkot (noun).
Here's the site for the movie: Ushpizin
Go see it if you can, it's delightful, and rather soul-affirming.
(and for those that are just curious about those of our religion that don the black coats in the midst of a hot summer, it's rather insightful as to the why's and wherefores...)
We did slightly wonder what folks thought of us walking in to see the movie on the lower east side of Manhattan, a black woman, a white woman,
wearing Hebrew-speaking couple - no one ever does look at us with a welcoming look - it's always the "wtf" look. Narda leaned over and said to me: "I should have worn my Kippah, and really messed with them..." It IS odd - we are pretty religious. we just happen to be a bi-racial lesbian couple.
Go figure.
Here's the site for the movie: Ushpizin
Go see it if you can, it's delightful, and rather soul-affirming.
(and for those that are just curious about those of our religion that don the black coats in the midst of a hot summer, it's rather insightful as to the why's and wherefores...)
We did slightly wonder what folks thought of us walking in to see the movie on the lower east side of Manhattan, a black woman, a white woman,
wearing Hebrew-speaking couple - no one ever does look at us with a welcoming look - it's always the "wtf" look. Narda leaned over and said to me: "I should have worn my Kippah, and really messed with them..." It IS odd - we are pretty religious. we just happen to be a bi-racial lesbian couple.
Go figure.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
the winner was...
sperm. but the sperm we wanted wasn't available. it was local, it was no delivery charge, and it was at our favorite place in NYC.
So we move on.
Save 300 bucks.
On the bright side, we are mailing our stuff off to Friends in Adoption today!
So we move on.
Save 300 bucks.
On the bright side, we are mailing our stuff off to Friends in Adoption today!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
what would you do?
if you had $300.00, would you:
A) Buy one vial of donor sperm for an insem
or
B) Buy $300.00 worth of lottery tickets?
Narda and I had talked about trying some sperm in November and December (we can float about 300 bucks - so it'd be just ONE vial per month). She then had the idea of buying the lottery tickets instead.
She thinks the chances are the same. I had laughed it off at first, but now, I am kind of intrigued.
What do you think? Sperm? Or Lottery tickets?
Things that make you go, hmmmmmmmm.
A) Buy one vial of donor sperm for an insem
or
B) Buy $300.00 worth of lottery tickets?
Narda and I had talked about trying some sperm in November and December (we can float about 300 bucks - so it'd be just ONE vial per month). She then had the idea of buying the lottery tickets instead.
She thinks the chances are the same. I had laughed it off at first, but now, I am kind of intrigued.
What do you think? Sperm? Or Lottery tickets?
Things that make you go, hmmmmmmmm.
nothing much to report, but thanks for asking...
So now that we are in the official "two week wait form hell," there' snot much to report.
I DID speak to our lovely social worker, and also kind of "came out" to her that we're sending our stuff off to Friends in Adoption. So that felt good to 'come clean." We still hope to adopt through Spence Chapin, as a) they're cheaper, and b) we like them!
We vary our conversations between how to raise the "FK" (future kid), to how in the heck are we going to pay for/deal with child care? I tend to believe that it will all just "work out" and Narda's more of the "let's have a plan" kind of gal. I think she's right, but I also need to just have some faith in it all - that when it happens, we'll work it out - I'll take time off of work, dad can come in for a while, we'll get child care for a few days a week, and we'll keep playing the lottery...
Narda is also suddenly on the kick of 'refinancing" or getting a home equity loan. Granted, it's kind of sexy, in that we could certainly get new countertops, and do a few more home improvement things, "BB" (Before baby), and pay off the rest of the "sperm debt" that we have - but a part of me is skeptical of it - do any of you have experience in the "re-fi" area? How was it, do you have advice?
Thanks, as always - just for listening, and letting me share...
I DID speak to our lovely social worker, and also kind of "came out" to her that we're sending our stuff off to Friends in Adoption. So that felt good to 'come clean." We still hope to adopt through Spence Chapin, as a) they're cheaper, and b) we like them!
We vary our conversations between how to raise the "FK" (future kid), to how in the heck are we going to pay for/deal with child care? I tend to believe that it will all just "work out" and Narda's more of the "let's have a plan" kind of gal. I think she's right, but I also need to just have some faith in it all - that when it happens, we'll work it out - I'll take time off of work, dad can come in for a while, we'll get child care for a few days a week, and we'll keep playing the lottery...
Narda is also suddenly on the kick of 'refinancing" or getting a home equity loan. Granted, it's kind of sexy, in that we could certainly get new countertops, and do a few more home improvement things, "BB" (Before baby), and pay off the rest of the "sperm debt" that we have - but a part of me is skeptical of it - do any of you have experience in the "re-fi" area? How was it, do you have advice?
Thanks, as always - just for listening, and letting me share...
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