Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Always a bridesmaid...

Here's the latest on the DC situation...

An e-mail from our friend, who met with the birth mom:

Met the birth mom, what a hoot that was, brought up the option of adoption and showed her your profile, she stated she thought you'd make wonderful parents, but she wasn't ready to give him up for adoption, even though she talked about it, she stated that she wants to keep him for now, but just needs help! WTF? Wants to keep him for now? He's not a dog! Hell I love my dog more than that, I held back the furry and the words of, You ungrateful fucking bitch, how dare you consider something so precious and so wonderful, so worthless and think nothing but about yourself and how much free time you have! Instead I said, well good luck with raising him and your other children and if you're decision changes and you're serious, please let me know.


Will it EVER be our turn? I KNOW, in my heart of hearts, that when it DOES happen, that all of this waiting, as if in the middle of a life-long prison sentence, will vanish in an instant.

But that does not, in any way, shape or form, take away from how I am feeling today. And DAMN! The holidays get harder each year - the first year without children, Narda and I said, ah, well, NEXT year, we'll be mommies; with a sparkle in our eyes, and hope in our hearts. Then last year came and went, and we reveled in the joy of our friend's kids, we were just finished “sperminating" and beginning the adoption journey, again, the sparkle in our eyes, and hope in our hearts.

This year? Although I'm SO truly terribly thrilled for those women who "get me," that are pregnant or already are parents (and Cat, Jen, Em, Sacha, Jennifer, Conch, etc. You KNOW who you are - this is NOT directed at YOU - KNOW THIS!) I'm SO bitter and jealous and hurt and angry. I spend so much time focusing on being the supportive friend to others, that I need to steal the spotlight a bit, and mope.

I Know this, too, shall pass. But I'm still in a sucky place. PLUS, I have the nastiest cold ever, and my period started today.


UGH

16 comments:

lillian said...

shelli.. i'm so sorry about all this... i know it sucks to feel that it has happened or is happening to everyone else but you.. {{hugs}} don't stop coming around us please. we love YOU and need all your shelli-ness.

Sophia said...

*hands you all the spotlight you need*

My six BFNs are nothing compared to the hurt you're going through. Go ahead be bitter and mope. I mope in solidarity!

Twonycmoms
*finding the werewithall for #7*

Calliope said...

aw honey. I am so sorry.
I am sending you a squeezy hug.
squeeeeeeeeeeeeze

I seriously, a nasty cold & your period. Dude. That sucks.

rach said...

people who could care less whether or not they are parents and treat their children like animals PISS ME OFF. This is the first question I will ask God about when I get to heaven. I am so sorry. I have gone to other blogs and read your words of encouragement to those other pregnant/already mommy women. But I have seen the pain glimmering underneath.

((((HUGE hugs))))

Estelle said...

Oh honey I am sorry that your hopes got dashed yet again.
It is all worth it, the pain does fade... but I can only say that because eventually we came through the fire with our baby. It in no way lessens the pain of right now though.
My heart just aches for you, waiting and willing and able to love a child and provide him/her with a wonderful home. But you are entitled to your grief and pain no matter how happy other women are. Don't ever feel bad about that.
I do hope you have your child in your arms by Chanukah this year. But if you don't, we're here for you.

Lorem ipsum said...

My SIL decided to keep both her kids from casual relationships. Of course, her mom is now raising them.

They're good kids, but I think they might have been better off given up for adoption. Yes, it's a selfish thing to do, to decide to keep your baby even when you know damn well that you can't handle it. It's like saying, 'If I'm not going to enjoy this, no one else will be able to, either.' And then it's sad for the kids, who never did anything to deserve such a sucky parent (and suddenly are more likely to repeat the cycle).

I am so sorry that another hope has been yanked out from beneath you. Somewhere, the tide must turn and rush in in your favor. We demand it!

Dee said...

I was one of those kids that the mom kept "for now" and my grandma ended up being the one to do the major parenting. I have wondered a lot what it would have been like to have been adopted by great parents and had all the benefits that went along with that.

I think I've told you before, but my aunt and uncle adopted their daughter. She suffered several miscarriages and failed adoptions...but eventually it happened. It *will* happen. You will have your baby...and that baby will benefit so much from being in your family.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Take time for you...and know that we are all out there sending big virtual hugs!

Kristi said...

WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? "For now?"

Well, you just go on and be pissed and I'm going to join you. I don't know either of you personally, only from online. But, I can tell that you are both going to be fabulous parents when your time comes.

Jen said...

Shelli, you are one of the most amazing, caring, generous people I know and I am continually astonished at how supportive and encouraging you are when you are hurting for yourself so much inside. Please, please take all the time and spotlight you want - you deserve it and I wish there were some way to make things better for you.

Big, big hugs to my wonderful friends.

Rebecca said...

Big, big hug...the holidays really suck when you want a child so badly. I'm so sorry this has to be so hard and disappointing for you. It's not fair and you don't deserve it.

Kerryn said...

Sending you hugs Shelli. Just so you know, I'm still not pg either (2yrs now). And I now have one of those do-not-deserve-to-have-the-children-she-abuses "mothers" living next door. Yeah. Nice. It's just bullshit.

afrindiemum said...

ooooh, this waiting sucks so much.

Jennifer said...

I hate how life just isn't fair. My life rollercoaster has taken me to a much different place in the past year that I thought I would be - although I haven't gone through all that you both have I can appreciate your struggle. I frequently have contact with moms who accidntally got pregnant, some of them multiple times, and often don't want the baby but keep it anyway. So many of these things are so hard to see when you want your own family so badily.

PS- It had nothing to do with step nine! It was just an appology - seems to be turning into something more though.....

cat said...

No offense ever taken dear. You know I am always here for you and you can mope, cry, scream and shake your fist at me or the sky. Whatever you need. I love you and wish so deeply that we could take this away for you and bring you that dream once and for all. *hugs*

erinberry said...

I'm really sorry :(

Jack's Shack said...

Life can be challenging. It is a sad cliche, but there is so much truth in it. I guess that it all comes down to attitude.