Friday, February 29, 2008

on remembering

Cali asked us to make a post about remembering. I share about what we lost, and about what we've learned. It seems a lifetime ago. But I've never forgotten.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I hurt for her

the first series of news to make my heart skip a beat and fear the worst...

Nicole, (our faboo Social worker) calls, and says that "yes, they are still planning on following with an adoption plan" but they are ALL very emotional, and there's lots of crying, and they are planning on taking her home Sunday night to have their "one night" with her, and then we go over to their house on Monday morning with our SW and her SW, and if they like us enough and feel comfortable, she will sign her surrender documents.

it's our openess that has drawn her to us, and I pray we all have the strength to get through this together.

I cannot imagine a more terrible time for her, joyous and yet fearful for us.

it's so easy to get caught up in our OWN sturmunddrang, that I can forget just HOW painful it is for a parent to give up a child for adoption. She must be going through soooo many emotions right now, my heart hurts for her.

I'm a mess.

I want what is best for this baby, but we so desperately want to be parents, too.

My hope is that she will continue with the adoption plan, and we'll end up having gained a new family member, in the guise of our child's birth mother.

that is my prayer.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

she has decided to parent

What more can be said. Her SW called me just now and told me the news.

We'll keep you posted as to the next one.

Monday, August 15, 2005

what I've learned

I only learned this week, after three years of ttc, how much my friends really DO care. I had stopped telling them about every failed IUI, about every adoption call that fell through, but with this most recent one (we should have been bringing our daughter home today...) - they all came through for me - Why?

Because I asked them to - I sent an e-mail saying that I didn't need to be cheered up, that I just needed them to be there. And they were.

Shocked the shit out of me, to be honest.

I want to simply share that if you ask for what you need, you just might get it...

Thank you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

"Maka-speak" and a question

Before I forget them, I want to jot a few fave's down...

nI-ma-min = Vitamin
kincEE = Quincy
Maka= Malka
nah-ah-yEE =Natalie
rear-rie = Leary
inowandis = I don't want this
noo-noos = noodles/pasta
auto-boose = auto bus
eh-pane = airplane
NO! = um, yeah. That one's pretty clear...

Oddly, her Hebrew pronunciation is pretty spot on, however. Heh.

And now, a question...

So Malka, being of the amazon variety, is barely fitting in her size 6 Seventh Generation dipes, and almost totally busting out of her her size 5 huggies overnights. I REFUSE to get the damn princess pull up crap, because there will be NO PRINCESSES in our house until she demands a princess or threatens to move out. Then we'll have to give in.

But seriously? What the heck can my kid who is SO NOT INTERESTED in potty training sleep in that will hold massive amounts of pish-pish that ISN'T COVERED IN PRINCESS CRAP?

Monday, February 25, 2008

And, she's off!

Did I mention that Narda's off to DC for 6 weeks? And that she left today? And that I'll be a "single mom" during that time? No? Oh, well, um, yeah.

But according to Malka, she's not going to DC to helm the Kennedy Center's production of August Wilson's Twentieth Century, oh no. She's off to DC to play with Natalie...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Facing the Music...

It's been SO hard to 'get honest' about my food. The truth of the matter is that I've been really 'bad' lately. Why do I self sabotage? I had been doing REALLY well for a while, and was only 4 pounds away from my 10 percent goal of 24 pounds lost. As of today's weigh in, I'm 13 pounds away.

I don't understand why I 'fall off' the proverbial wagon, and have done so before, allowing my internal 'fuckits' to take over- you now, as in: 'oh, fuck it, one slice of pizza will be fine.' Well, it's not. I currently weigh (as of today's weigh-in) 231.8 pounds. And I am 5'6'' tall. There, now the world knows. It's just a number. But. But. But. That number makes my face fuller in pictures, it makes my knees crunch when going up stairs, it makes Malka squish my legs and laugh. All innocently, but it secretly stings a little inside.

I don't like my body as it. I don't want to "accept my fat," because it's not healthy for my body. Some people, it may be healthy for them, and "fat acceptance" may be fine for them, so I'm not denying anyone the right to love themselves as they are. We should all be so lucky. I sure could work on accepting myself as I am while on this journey. But I still have to lose weight.

And the ONLY way for me to do so is to track my food, move more, and not just blindly stuff my face when i feel like it.

A little tough love with myself.

Until it becomes a habit.

Friday, February 22, 2008

"I need a therapy!!!"

So "Auntie Marion" came over yesterday, and she and Narda were doing prep work for DC. I made us all dinner, and Marion and Malka got to have some good play time together. (OH, how Malka loves her some Auntie Marion!)

Narda, Marion and Malka were all in her room, coloring on some paper, and Malka was REALLY happy and saying something loud, Narda and Marion were talking, and then I heard "SHELLI!" And laughter. I come to her bedroom, not quite sure what to find, and I stumble upon Narda and Marion laughing hysterically, saying "I need a therapy?!" And looking at me quizzically, and Malka speak-screaming, and laughing, too.

Malka repeats the phrase, and I say: "Oh, Abby-Cadaby!" From Sesame Street.

Back in the day, when Rosie had a talk show, I got the chance to go, and one of the "shwag" gifts was a pencil with one of those rubber thinggies on top that she used to shoot out into the audience.

A while back, I stumbled upon it again, and Malka and I deduced that it looked a LOT like Abby-Cadaby's wand. So I had given it to her, and told her to say: "1, 2, 3, Magic!" and wave the wand.

So Malka was in FULL Abby-Cadaby bliss, but unfortunately, Narda and Marion weren't in on the deal, so they were highly confused. But once they were filled in on the details, we all had a grand time.

(I hope this doesn't read as one of those "you had to be there" moments - but it REALLY was funny!)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

per request...

Still plugging away at Amanda Jean's quilt along, and Juno decided to help pick out the order of squares. Currently, I'm pinning sashing.

It'll have 3.5 or 4 inch WHITE sashing - an old tablecloth that has a lot of lovely family memories, but is too stained to use in full - so sashing is a PERFECT way to incorporate it! And I'll do white set in blocks, as the quilt itself is just bold enough. Not sure what I'll use as the border blocks, however, maybe something larger? Any ideas? Amanda jean suggests making 4-patches out of the fabric used for the quilt... Maybe if I do a separating white border....

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

re-setting the clocks...

But not in the "Daylight savings, or standard" time that we all know.

More like - imagine YOU, sleeping through the night. And then imagine you get up to go to the bathroom, or you startle awake from a dream, or you know, your toddler starts chatting, and it comes over the monitor like a football coach rallying the team. And it's 5am. And your alarm clock is due to go off in an hour.

And your internal clock has been reset, from the waking, and your body thinks you need 3 more hours sleep, because your body sleeps in 3 hour cycles. And your alarm goes off. And you don't hear it.

And your toddler re-settles herself, and then decides to give you the blow-by-blow chipper description of all of her friends and stuffed animals. And you bolt up, and it's almost 8 o clock.

I'm just saying...

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Holy Crap! Did y'all see it - WOAH. SO much info.


Mazal tov to the writers for getting a good contract! (and thank goodness they are back! - Phew.)

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

OMG - I SO get it now...

I'd never seen her show before. And um, Narda's at Lion King tonight, so it's ALL the Food Network that I want (she can't stand the food network, WHATEVER, I can't stand Law and Order, but I still watch it with her... achem.)

Any way.

Um. Two words.

Nigella Lawson.

WOW. She just made a triple chocolate brownie, and between the camera angels of the chocolate, and her seductive explanations of her cooking techniques - I think I just had an orgasm. Woah.

By the by - thank you all SO much for the love and support. I really was just looking to have a place to vent, but external validation is so extremely helpful, and I'm eternally grateful to have you all behind me, so to speak.

And as an extra thank you? Please enjoy this scrumptious picture of Malka, helping Narda practice for her Bat Mitzvah...

Monday, February 04, 2008

Looooooong ass post...

One of the things that I promised not to blog about…

I’ve tried to be respectful of other’s privacy, which is why I don’t really write about my friends beyond the IVP and such, or about Narda’s personal stuff, or my mom.

But I started this blog as an outlet for ME, and then it became a land of self-censorship. But I need to get this out, I need to share, I need to know that I’m not a bad person, and that sometimes, it actually IS the other person, and NOT me.

This may be long.

At the end of 7th grade, my K-8 school and another local K-8 school changed, merged, what have you, and my school (which was my primary school after I left private, Yeshiva-Day school,) became a K-5, and the other school became a 6-8 school. So just before my 8th grade year, I went to Robert Gray Middle School. I made some friends, I still had friends from the old Hebrew Day-School, and all was good.

In High school, I made some other friends, not tons, but some. I went to two high schools, actually – one in the morning for academics, and another in the afternoon, for theatre arts. I can count on one hand the number of people I am still in contact with from those years, despite the best efforts of, facebook and myspace.

After High School, I went and lived in Israel for about a year and a half, and then moved to NY, and went and got my associates, and then took another year off, worked doing theatre, and then transferred to Hofstra, and got my Bachelors in theatre production.

Upon graduating university, it became imperative to move to NYC, in order to, you know, “be a professional artist, and work in theatre for the rest of my life (koff koff)” I moved in with a college friend, who’s family lived in NJ for a spell, and then got in touch with an old High School friend, whom I had known since the “merger,” if you will, of the two schools in Jr. High. It was great, she and her roommate were looking for a third roommate, to split expenses, and we were all in our mid-20’s, when multiple people in a tiny amount of space was natural and comfortable.

A few years later, the old friend from High School and I moved on, and got another apartment, where we each had our own bedroom, a shared living room, kitchen, etc. We even got two cats. We had separate, and together social lives – we’d hang out and do stuff together sometimes, and sometimes not.

Fast forward to 7 or so years later, it’s 2000, and we each, of course, enter the “7 year itch,” we find every little thing annoying about the other, we each have our own girlfriends that we are bringing over, and all of our quirks seem expanded. It’s normal. I was still a smoker then, and refusing to smoke outside, I’d smoke in my room, with the window open, sure, but I’m sure it was nasty.

But then.

Then she started getting a bit too specific about things. If I did the math wrong on a bill, and I mean, by being off by ONE PENNY, she’d leave me a nasty note for me, all in caps, saying that it was WRONG!!!!!! It’s $23.84 each, not $23.83 each. Um, OK. Now, granted, she had survived me not being the best bookkeeper, but I was far from being a vagrant, and even if late, I always paid my share of the rent (I was a free-lance stage manager – HELLO…. Not a “9-5” kind of world). But things started getting weirder and weirder. She had decided to cancel the phone service, and I had called the phone company to ask about changing it to my name, and she WENT OFF on me for calling the phone company, and if I wanted my own phone, to create one from scratch. Um, WTF? The phone company was cashing my checks, too – what difference does it make if it switches to my name or cancels? (obviously, this was before cell phones took over our daily lives, and we were still using the phone to access the internet… you know, on a MODEM.) And all kinds of weird shit like that started happening.

About a year after Narda and I were together, she (the roommate, not Narda) started leaving me “hints” around, like ads for apartments, and the like – and THEN she started bringing boxes home, with notes saying that these would help me in my move.

If you are looking at the screen funny, with furrowed brow, head tilted to the side, that’s the same reaction I had in the moment. Now of course, I’m not the easiest person to live with, but I DO believe in communication and even if it’s hard, I believe in talking about the hard stuff. I believe in getting things out in the open, and I DO NOT believe in head games. Which obviously, were in place here.

After some discussion, and Narda having talked to HER roommate, we agreed that I would move in with Narda and her roommate. I did one of the hardest things I had to do – I gave custody of the cats to my old roommate. I did, however, in a vindictive act of retaliation, call and cancel the electricity and AOL, and told her that if she wanted either, she’d have to set up her own account. I also had a good relationship with the landlord, and told him to use MY half of the security deposit as MY last month’s rent. She had a hard time getting her girlfriend on the lease, but the landlord gave me a beautiful letter of recommendation a year or two later when Narda and were applying for a mortgage, etc.

So after I moved out, which SHE claimed as a victory, and I felt was empowering myself, she had sent an e-mail, stating something to the effect of that “in time, we could both be friends again, yada yada yada.” I moved on with my life, and many of our mutual friends were simply amazed that we had lasted 7 years as roommates, and all agreed that it was best that we had gone our separate ways.

Then September 11th happened. She worked downtown, and all self-imposed superiority complexes aside, I was worried about her, and we re-connected, thankfully, she was OK. (I finally got a hold of her folks).

I think we saw one another a few times after that, and made some e-mail attempts to make plans, and exchanged a few holiday cards, but that was that.

And now we come to present day, more or less. (If you’re still reading)

Someone a while back suggested, that for fun, to google your name. I did. I found myself in lots of theatre quotes, reviews, mis-quoted for something a lighting designer said to me eons ago. Heh – they still had me listed at my old job as a contact. (That was helpful, so I let them know about that one) And then I googled a few friends names, including hers. And I found out that she and her partner were TTC w/o luck. Now I didn’t bring this up to her, because, well, that’s kind of personal, but I did e-mail, and ask if anything new was going on, to, you know, open the door, so to speak. I told a mutual friend of ours, in confidence, about it, and we both pondered the concept of her as a mom. And we both kind of had a quick visceral reaction that we both acknowledged.

As many of you know, I recently received my Ravelry invite. It’s AWESOME. There are MANY knitters there, with talents that are FAR superior to mine. And I searched around for some patterns for Malka that I might use in the future, and guess whom I found? The old roommate. I dropped her a line, added her as a friend, and excitedly awaited a response. Her response was pleasant, and encouraging. I then responded with: “Great, I see you’re on flickr, and I’ll make you a flickr friend, so that you can see pictures of Malka.” I got the following response:


I have tried to be gentle, but you are not getting it.

I don't want contact with you. Please unfriend me on flickr and Ravelry and do not attempt to contact me again.

I spent the better part of the morning crying. Not so much in that I didn’t’ expect the royal welcome, but in the stinging, sharp rudeness and hurtfulness of this response. Narda called, mid-cry, and immediately, used a number of negative words about her. I said I KNOW, I shouldn’t have expected anything less, but it’s still hurtful, and WTF?! I sent our mutual friend a note, forwarding this message, asking her if she’d heard anything from the old roommate, and she simply replied with love and support, which sent me crying even further. I’ve shed the tears I needed to shed over this, and I’m moving on, but the sting, the pain I felt at the emotional slap in the face was hard, and writing all of this down, which was the original point of my blog has been helpful.

Again, I know that I’m not perfect, and that I’ve made many big mistakes in my life, and I know that we can get enmeshed in other people’s “emotional stuff,” but it’s helpful to know that sometimes? It’s the other person who’s the wack job.

So if you’ve made it this far?

Thanks for letting me share, and for having an outlet for my emotions.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Manning Threw it....

But Burgess caught it!


It was SO cute - EACH time the "audience" cheered, Malka yelled: "YEAH, GIANTS!" and clapped, too.