Life ramblings and the journey through adoption.
Joy. Pure Joy - My friend josie - age 13 months!
Should we all be so lucky to experience such pure, unabashed joy.
You rock, Josie! :)
Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Bug!
Friday, October 28, 2005
Happy Birthday, Hime!
Happy Birthday to my FAVORITE cat on Flickr (outside of our own beloved furballs, of course!)
It finally happened...
So we were at Shul Tuesday night for Simchat Torah, and I'm sitting back in my chair, after dancing for a couple of hours, and granted, I was wearing a shirt that was a little too big, and I was slumped down in my chair a bit, so my tummy zone was a bit protruding....
But a woman asked me: "When are you due?"
(insert shock, gasp, horror look here)
I said (NONE too sweetly): "Due with what?"
She said: "Oh, I thought you were expecting."
I said: "No, I'm just fat."
Narda looked at me in horror.
I felt bead for being so snippey with her, and later went over to her and basically said that I was sorry for being so snippy, but not only have I struggled with weight my entire life, but I've also been struggling with infertility for almost three years. She felt appropriately guilty, I felt better for having spoken to her and apologizing for my rude tone.
And we went on from our Shul to Benai Jeshren to continue our Torah appreciation, as Narda felt intimidated by CarlBach and didn't want to go there. I told her we'd go on a Shabbos morning instead, since she's never experienced the Mechitzah, and it would be an interesting thing for her to experince. Over near the Carlbach Shul, there was a HUGE amount of orthodox kids being, well, kids. I told Narda how refreshing it was to see kids just being kids... there they were wandering around the upper west side, hanging out on a corner, as their parents tried to go into services and listen in on the Hakafot that continued well into the morning. Narda told me that she had had impressions, and previous judgements, and that it was refreshing for her, as well.
When we got to BJ, it was like "ortho-hippies," it was so wild - all that was left at midnight were teens and early 20-somethings withe the tzis-tzis hanging out of their shirts, doing drum circles, beat-boxing on the mikes and interpretive dancing. We watched for about half an hour, having discussions as to "which method of religious upbringing our future child will have." We want a healthy mix - a bissel of this, a bissel of that - as most parents probably do. I mean hey, if they are thrilled just to go to Shul and get into Hebrew songs, that's a darn good thing, right? So even though we may have had justgements flowing through us Tuesday night, we had a great time, burned some calories, and got to participate in one of our favorite things: "Talking about the future kid, and how we will raise him or her."
Which will all get thrown out the window when they are actually here. We totally get that, but it's still fun to talk about it.
But a woman asked me: "When are you due?"
(insert shock, gasp, horror look here)
I said (NONE too sweetly): "Due with what?"
She said: "Oh, I thought you were expecting."
I said: "No, I'm just fat."
Narda looked at me in horror.
I felt bead for being so snippey with her, and later went over to her and basically said that I was sorry for being so snippy, but not only have I struggled with weight my entire life, but I've also been struggling with infertility for almost three years. She felt appropriately guilty, I felt better for having spoken to her and apologizing for my rude tone.
And we went on from our Shul to Benai Jeshren to continue our Torah appreciation, as Narda felt intimidated by CarlBach and didn't want to go there. I told her we'd go on a Shabbos morning instead, since she's never experienced the Mechitzah, and it would be an interesting thing for her to experince. Over near the Carlbach Shul, there was a HUGE amount of orthodox kids being, well, kids. I told Narda how refreshing it was to see kids just being kids... there they were wandering around the upper west side, hanging out on a corner, as their parents tried to go into services and listen in on the Hakafot that continued well into the morning. Narda told me that she had had impressions, and previous judgements, and that it was refreshing for her, as well.
When we got to BJ, it was like "ortho-hippies," it was so wild - all that was left at midnight were teens and early 20-somethings withe the tzis-tzis hanging out of their shirts, doing drum circles, beat-boxing on the mikes and interpretive dancing. We watched for about half an hour, having discussions as to "which method of religious upbringing our future child will have." We want a healthy mix - a bissel of this, a bissel of that - as most parents probably do. I mean hey, if they are thrilled just to go to Shul and get into Hebrew songs, that's a darn good thing, right? So even though we may have had justgements flowing through us Tuesday night, we had a great time, burned some calories, and got to participate in one of our favorite things: "Talking about the future kid, and how we will raise him or her."
Which will all get thrown out the window when they are actually here. We totally get that, but it's still fun to talk about it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Quincy's FAVORITE new spot!
This is Quincy's FAVE new spot - the white things on the floor are baseboard heaters, and there are holes in the back of the shelf for cords (and heat) to come up - so Quincy has decided that nothing else may go there except for him...
SO cute, isn't he? :)
Monday, October 24, 2005
dreams...
I dreampt I was pregnant, FINALLY. It was such a wonderful dream.
I dreampt that I gave birth, breech, but I just reached down, and pulled him out, smacked his tushie, and he cried, and was all fine. I nursed him in a restaurant and somewhere else, I don't remember.
But it was such a wonderful dream. A lot of my dreams have been anxiety-ridden lately, but this one was pure bliss. I must have huge tits, however, because I couldn't get my right boob out of my bra for a while, in my dream - it took a a while to lift the jello-like object out of the holster. I'm sure there's a "feeling of inaequate prepardness to feed a child/freudian symbolism there" but it was just kind of funny.
As more and more people I know turn up pregnant, at least I can join them in my dreams...
I dreampt that I gave birth, breech, but I just reached down, and pulled him out, smacked his tushie, and he cried, and was all fine. I nursed him in a restaurant and somewhere else, I don't remember.
But it was such a wonderful dream. A lot of my dreams have been anxiety-ridden lately, but this one was pure bliss. I must have huge tits, however, because I couldn't get my right boob out of my bra for a while, in my dream - it took a a while to lift the jello-like object out of the holster. I'm sure there's a "feeling of inaequate prepardness to feed a child/freudian symbolism there" but it was just kind of funny.
As more and more people I know turn up pregnant, at least I can join them in my dreams...
Friday, October 21, 2005
THE coolest thing EVER
OK - not to give away my new X-mas present secret, but it's SOOOO cool!
(I hope Julie and Ben don't read my blog!) :)
but go here, and you can create your own STAMPS - with your own picture! HOW COOL IS THAT!
Woot!
Photo-Stamps
(I hope Julie and Ben don't read my blog!) :)
but go here, and you can create your own STAMPS - with your own picture! HOW COOL IS THAT!
Woot!
Photo-Stamps
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Happy Happy
Monday, October 17, 2005
The New August Wilson Theatre
View this clip on Vimeo
From the event last night. It's sideways for a little bit, then it rights itself. It's about 8 minutes long, so if you like, you can fast forward to the end and watch the sign light up - but it's really lovely if you care to watch the whole thing...
It starts with Charles Dutton speaking about August, and doing a monologue from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, then cuts to Lillias White singing Ma Rainey's, then there's a scene from 7 guitars, and then August's oldest daughter, Sakina recites some beautiful words that August wrote before his death, then we go outside for the "lighting up."
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Joy. pure joy
First off, good Shabbos. My Shabbat internet usage will slowly taper off, as Narda and I work towards trying to fill in the spiritual side of our lives a bit more, and what a wonderful way to do so by not watching tv, surfing the web or doing work, and by forcing ourselves to relax and enjoy life - read a book, go for a walk, etc.
But until that time....
Last night at Shul, I got to hold Derek, the 2 month old baby of M and S - two great dads at our Shul, and the ones who tipped us off to the other agency, Friends in Adoption. Derek was wide awake, flirting up a storm with me (they were sitting one row behind us), and S stands up, brings Derek over and has me hold him for a bit. he coos and makes noises, and makes a sucking image with his mouth, so I give him my index finger, nail side down (I used to NOT know that, OOPS, sorry Ravit!) and he sucks, looks at my eyes, and promptly goes to sleep.
It was pure bliss, my arm was tired, but it was OK, all was good. After services, M says that he just can't get enough of me, he really likes me - I say it's my smooshy body and dangly earrings, and S says not to sell myself short, it's me, all me.
that felt really good.
And the next bit of joy I share with you can be found here: house of Miao
Best news I heard today! I'm SOOOO happy for you, Cat!
But until that time....
Last night at Shul, I got to hold Derek, the 2 month old baby of M and S - two great dads at our Shul, and the ones who tipped us off to the other agency, Friends in Adoption. Derek was wide awake, flirting up a storm with me (they were sitting one row behind us), and S stands up, brings Derek over and has me hold him for a bit. he coos and makes noises, and makes a sucking image with his mouth, so I give him my index finger, nail side down (I used to NOT know that, OOPS, sorry Ravit!) and he sucks, looks at my eyes, and promptly goes to sleep.
It was pure bliss, my arm was tired, but it was OK, all was good. After services, M says that he just can't get enough of me, he really likes me - I say it's my smooshy body and dangly earrings, and S says not to sell myself short, it's me, all me.
that felt really good.
And the next bit of joy I share with you can be found here: house of Miao
Best news I heard today! I'm SOOOO happy for you, Cat!
Friday, October 14, 2005
Sweet 16....
Yup, she went and did it again. And I had to watch the whole, gruesome story right during my breakfast...
ugh...
wow. just. wow
ugh...
wow. just. wow
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
36 days! woo hoo!
I made this sign that is on my office door.
I happily get to tear off a page a day.
If ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE has WB contacts, I'd scream with glee to be able to go to the premiere on November 12th.
Really.
otherwise, S and I will have to just go watch the red carpet...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
oh, the irony...
So I lost 3.2 pounds since September 27.
heh
Just shows to go ya.
No candy so far today. That's a good thing. I promised my WW meeting (and my thearapist) that if I wanted a piece of that candy sitting out on the front desk for the grad students, that I had to hop scotch to the candy dish.
That should do it....
heh
Just shows to go ya.
No candy so far today. That's a good thing. I promised my WW meeting (and my thearapist) that if I wanted a piece of that candy sitting out on the front desk for the grad students, that I had to hop scotch to the candy dish.
That should do it....
Monday, October 10, 2005
In my midnight confessions....
6 + years ago, (April 1999, to be exact), I gave up wheat, flour and sugar, and I joined Overeaters Anonymous. In the course of a year, I went from 280 pounds to 160 pounds. I looked and felt great. It was the first time in my life that I lost weight in a healthful way... (tune in another day for the story of my Bulemic past)
I was 28 years old, in the middle of my Saturn Return, and really keen to work on my self. I started therapy. I was really into the whole 12 step thing. It was EASY to lose weight, as I was eating CRAP, and I simply stopped that part. I mean, I always ate realtively healthfully, actually, but it was ingredients and quantity that got me to my top weight. For example, I'd make a vegetable lasagne, but pile on the cheese... you get the picture. So I cut out a lot of ingredients.
May, 2000, just a little over a year later, I met Narda.
We met at a Stage Managers Association meeting, no sooner met then fell in love, no sooner fell in love than moved in, yada yada yada. No Lesbian and a U-Haul stories tonight, dear internet....
In 2002, we talked about creating a family. I was still eating pretty healthfully, but Narda could see my food addiction rear its ugly head in many ways; ways other people may not have noticed. She was concerned that trying to start having a family could wreck havoc with my food plan, with my weight, etc.
December 31st, 2002 was my last cigarette. EVER. I still mourn smoking. I miss it terribly sometimes. So terribly. It's like a void within me. Only a fellow former smoker would understand. I smoked for over 18 years. I als0o slowly started giving up coffee, all to "TTC" (try to conceive) We went on a cruise in February - I ate a lot. I wasn't smoking, "I deserved it." We strated introducing sperm in August of 2003, and each month that didn't take, I helped my self feel better with food.
Almost three years later, and Narda's fears have come true. I had lost 125 pounds over 5 years ago, but I have been slowly gaining a lot of them back. Dear internet, I now weigh 230. EEK. I joined weight watchers last year, and had a great start. It's now year later, and I weigh just about 3 pounds less than when I joined. I can see the good in that, meaning, I maintained my weight for a whole year.. Which is AWESOME for me. If it weren't for the gym, I'd be 300 pouds by now, for sure.
The scary part comes here - I've been haveing a bit of sugar. In my mind, since its' not gummy bears (the BIG no-no binge food for me) It's almost like it's OK. I haven't even told Narda, but here I am, telling you, the internet. I guess that's why it's called a web journal - writing is safe. I'm afraid to tell Narda - it's like telling your spouse that (if you ar ean alcoholic) that you've started drinking again, but just beer... that's kind of how I feel.
When I strated writing this, I didn't want to go to my WW meeting, but I think I'll go now, even if I did gain a pound or two. I need the support.
Lord help me, I don't want to gain any more weight. I just feel SO out of control right now. I guess this is the right period of time to deal with this, afterall, we are in the middle of the days of Awe, Yom Kippur begins Wednesday night, and her I am , in my 35th year, my next Saturn return. It's just SO much harder this time.
But I commit to you, dear ineternet, to STOP with the sugar.
That's a start.
Thanks for listening.
I was 28 years old, in the middle of my Saturn Return, and really keen to work on my self. I started therapy. I was really into the whole 12 step thing. It was EASY to lose weight, as I was eating CRAP, and I simply stopped that part. I mean, I always ate realtively healthfully, actually, but it was ingredients and quantity that got me to my top weight. For example, I'd make a vegetable lasagne, but pile on the cheese... you get the picture. So I cut out a lot of ingredients.
May, 2000, just a little over a year later, I met Narda.
We met at a Stage Managers Association meeting, no sooner met then fell in love, no sooner fell in love than moved in, yada yada yada. No Lesbian and a U-Haul stories tonight, dear internet....
In 2002, we talked about creating a family. I was still eating pretty healthfully, but Narda could see my food addiction rear its ugly head in many ways; ways other people may not have noticed. She was concerned that trying to start having a family could wreck havoc with my food plan, with my weight, etc.
December 31st, 2002 was my last cigarette. EVER. I still mourn smoking. I miss it terribly sometimes. So terribly. It's like a void within me. Only a fellow former smoker would understand. I smoked for over 18 years. I als0o slowly started giving up coffee, all to "TTC" (try to conceive) We went on a cruise in February - I ate a lot. I wasn't smoking, "I deserved it." We strated introducing sperm in August of 2003, and each month that didn't take, I helped my self feel better with food.
Almost three years later, and Narda's fears have come true. I had lost 125 pounds over 5 years ago, but I have been slowly gaining a lot of them back. Dear internet, I now weigh 230. EEK. I joined weight watchers last year, and had a great start. It's now year later, and I weigh just about 3 pounds less than when I joined. I can see the good in that, meaning, I maintained my weight for a whole year.. Which is AWESOME for me. If it weren't for the gym, I'd be 300 pouds by now, for sure.
The scary part comes here - I've been haveing a bit of sugar. In my mind, since its' not gummy bears (the BIG no-no binge food for me) It's almost like it's OK. I haven't even told Narda, but here I am, telling you, the internet. I guess that's why it's called a web journal - writing is safe. I'm afraid to tell Narda - it's like telling your spouse that (if you ar ean alcoholic) that you've started drinking again, but just beer... that's kind of how I feel.
When I strated writing this, I didn't want to go to my WW meeting, but I think I'll go now, even if I did gain a pound or two. I need the support.
Lord help me, I don't want to gain any more weight. I just feel SO out of control right now. I guess this is the right period of time to deal with this, afterall, we are in the middle of the days of Awe, Yom Kippur begins Wednesday night, and her I am , in my 35th year, my next Saturn return. It's just SO much harder this time.
But I commit to you, dear ineternet, to STOP with the sugar.
That's a start.
Thanks for listening.
A glimpse of our lives
Many of you have seen this before, but if not, Emilin reminded me....
it's an accurate glimpse of what our lives have been like for the past three years....
Empty Arms
it's an accurate glimpse of what our lives have been like for the past three years....
Empty Arms
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Just for fun!
OK - do the same... find a google image for each of the questions, post on your blog, and let me know if you do, so I can see the pictures!
Town you were born in:
Town I live in now:
My name:
My Grandmother's (z'l) name:
My favorite food:
My Favorite Drink:
My Favorite song:
My Favorite smell:
:)
Town you were born in:
Town I live in now:
My name:
My Grandmother's (z'l) name:
My favorite food:
My Favorite Drink:
My Favorite song:
My Favorite smell:
:)
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Shameless Plug
My cousin David has a store on-line Cuban Folk Art
He has a love and passion for the Cuban culture compared to none I have seen. He's a great guy, and Narda and had a GREAT time out at his folks house for Rosh HaShannah. I'll upload pictures soon and post a few.
Until then, check out David's store, and go buy something!
He has a love and passion for the Cuban culture compared to none I have seen. He's a great guy, and Narda and had a GREAT time out at his folks house for Rosh HaShannah. I'll upload pictures soon and post a few.
Until then, check out David's store, and go buy something!
Holy shit!
Indiana bill would limit reproduction procedures for gays, singles
Panel to make recommendation to Legislature on Oct. 20
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) Oct 4, 4:18 PM
An interim legislative committee is considering a bill that would prohibit gays, lesbians and single people in Indiana from using medical science to assist them in having a child. State Sen. Patricia Miller acknowledged that the legislation before her panel would be 'enormously controversial.' Sen. Patricia Miller (R-Indianapolis) said state law does not have regulations on assisted reproduction and should have similar requirements to adoption in Indiana."If were going to try to put Indiana on the map, I wouldn't go this route," said Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana. "It feels pretty chilling. It is governmental intrusion into a very private part of our lives."Miller acknowledged that the legislation would be "enormously controversial.""Our statutes are nearly silent on all this. You can think of guidelines, but when you put it on paper it becomes different," she told The Journal Gazette of Fort Wayne for a story Tuesday.Miller is chairwoman of the Health Finance Commission, a panel of lawmakers that will vote Oct. 20 on whether to recommend the legislation to the full General Assembly.The bill defines assisted reproduction as causing pregnancy by means other than sexual intercourse, including intrauterine insemination, donation of an egg, donation of an embryo, in vitro fertilization and transfer of an embryo, and sperm injection.It then requires "intended parents" to be married to each other and says an unmarried person may not be an intended parent.A doctor cannot begin an assisted reproduction technology procedure that may result in a child being born until the intended parents have received a certificate of satisfactory completion of an assessment required under the bill. The assessment is similar to what is required for infant adoption and would be conducted by a licensed child placing agency in Indiana.The required information includes the fertility history of the parents, education and employment information, personality descriptions, verification of marital status, child care plans and criminal history checks. Description of the family lifestyle of the intended parents also is required, including participation in faith-based or church activities.The legislation appears to affect some married couples, although the rough draft is unclear at times. Miller said the draft will be clarified before a vote.The bill does not apply to assisted reproduction in which the child is the genetic child of both of the intended parents, for example, the sperm is from the father and the egg is from the mother. But married couples that need one or the other would still have to go through an assessment process and establish parentage in a court.Ken Falk, legal director for the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, said his office began hearing about the bill Friday, a day after the rough draft was discussed by the Health Finance Commission.He said it sets up a clear discrimination that would be difficult to uphold in court, and considers the bill to be unique nationally."My question is 'What is the danger that we are legislating against?' Are we saying that only married persons should be able to be parents, which is certainly a slap in the face to many same-sex couples but also to many who do not have a partner but have undertaken being a parent," Falk said.Miller said the state often reacted to problems and that she wanted to be proactive on this issue."We're not trying to stop people from having kids; we're just trying to find some guidelines," she said.She acknowledged such a law would bar single people from using methods other than sexual intercourse but said "all the studies indicate the best environment for a child is to have a two-parent family — a mother and a father
Panel to make recommendation to Legislature on Oct. 20
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) Oct 4, 4:18 PM
An interim legislative committee is considering a bill that would prohibit gays, lesbians and single people in Indiana from using medical science to assist them in having a child. State Sen. Patricia Miller acknowledged that the legislation before her panel would be 'enormously controversial.' Sen. Patricia Miller (R-Indianapolis) said state law does not have regulations on assisted reproduction and should have similar requirements to adoption in Indiana."If were going to try to put Indiana on the map, I wouldn't go this route," said Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana. "It feels pretty chilling. It is governmental intrusion into a very private part of our lives."Miller acknowledged that the legislation would be "enormously controversial.""Our statutes are nearly silent on all this. You can think of guidelines, but when you put it on paper it becomes different," she told The Journal Gazette of Fort Wayne for a story Tuesday.Miller is chairwoman of the Health Finance Commission, a panel of lawmakers that will vote Oct. 20 on whether to recommend the legislation to the full General Assembly.The bill defines assisted reproduction as causing pregnancy by means other than sexual intercourse, including intrauterine insemination, donation of an egg, donation of an embryo, in vitro fertilization and transfer of an embryo, and sperm injection.It then requires "intended parents" to be married to each other and says an unmarried person may not be an intended parent.A doctor cannot begin an assisted reproduction technology procedure that may result in a child being born until the intended parents have received a certificate of satisfactory completion of an assessment required under the bill. The assessment is similar to what is required for infant adoption and would be conducted by a licensed child placing agency in Indiana.The required information includes the fertility history of the parents, education and employment information, personality descriptions, verification of marital status, child care plans and criminal history checks. Description of the family lifestyle of the intended parents also is required, including participation in faith-based or church activities.The legislation appears to affect some married couples, although the rough draft is unclear at times. Miller said the draft will be clarified before a vote.The bill does not apply to assisted reproduction in which the child is the genetic child of both of the intended parents, for example, the sperm is from the father and the egg is from the mother. But married couples that need one or the other would still have to go through an assessment process and establish parentage in a court.Ken Falk, legal director for the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, said his office began hearing about the bill Friday, a day after the rough draft was discussed by the Health Finance Commission.He said it sets up a clear discrimination that would be difficult to uphold in court, and considers the bill to be unique nationally."My question is 'What is the danger that we are legislating against?' Are we saying that only married persons should be able to be parents, which is certainly a slap in the face to many same-sex couples but also to many who do not have a partner but have undertaken being a parent," Falk said.Miller said the state often reacted to problems and that she wanted to be proactive on this issue."We're not trying to stop people from having kids; we're just trying to find some guidelines," she said.She acknowledged such a law would bar single people from using methods other than sexual intercourse but said "all the studies indicate the best environment for a child is to have a two-parent family — a mother and a father
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
We're gonna party like it's 5766!
La Shannah Tova Tikotavu
May you have a happy and Joyous New Year, and May you be inscribed in the book of life.
May you have a happy and Joyous New Year, and May you be inscribed in the book of life.
Monday, October 03, 2005
admist the sadness, I share some Joy
Happy, Happy Birthday Miss Josephine.
Josie is a baby that I got to meet inutero, and I knew her wonderful and joyous mommies before then.
Happy 1st birthday, dear Josie!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Sad news
I'm sorry that I can't write anything until it's in the news, but when you see it, think of Narda, and send her your love.
The book shelves!
Click on the picture to go to Flickr and see the pictures of the bookshelves in progress.
It's VERY exciting!
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