Monday, October 10, 2005

In my midnight confessions....

6 + years ago, (April 1999, to be exact), I gave up wheat, flour and sugar, and I joined Overeaters Anonymous. In the course of a year, I went from 280 pounds to 160 pounds. I looked and felt great. It was the first time in my life that I lost weight in a healthful way... (tune in another day for the story of my Bulemic past)

I was 28 years old, in the middle of my Saturn Return, and really keen to work on my self. I started therapy. I was really into the whole 12 step thing. It was EASY to lose weight, as I was eating CRAP, and I simply stopped that part. I mean, I always ate realtively healthfully, actually, but it was ingredients and quantity that got me to my top weight. For example, I'd make a vegetable lasagne, but pile on the cheese... you get the picture. So I cut out a lot of ingredients.

May, 2000, just a little over a year later, I met Narda.

We met at a Stage Managers Association meeting, no sooner met then fell in love, no sooner fell in love than moved in, yada yada yada. No Lesbian and a U-Haul stories tonight, dear internet....

In 2002, we talked about creating a family. I was still eating pretty healthfully, but Narda could see my food addiction rear its ugly head in many ways; ways other people may not have noticed. She was concerned that trying to start having a family could wreck havoc with my food plan, with my weight, etc.

December 31st, 2002 was my last cigarette. EVER. I still mourn smoking. I miss it terribly sometimes. So terribly. It's like a void within me. Only a fellow former smoker would understand. I smoked for over 18 years. I als0o slowly started giving up coffee, all to "TTC" (try to conceive) We went on a cruise in February - I ate a lot. I wasn't smoking, "I deserved it." We strated introducing sperm in August of 2003, and each month that didn't take, I helped my self feel better with food.

Almost three years later, and Narda's fears have come true. I had lost 125 pounds over 5 years ago, but I have been slowly gaining a lot of them back. Dear internet, I now weigh 230. EEK. I joined weight watchers last year, and had a great start. It's now year later, and I weigh just about 3 pounds less than when I joined. I can see the good in that, meaning, I maintained my weight for a whole year.. Which is AWESOME for me. If it weren't for the gym, I'd be 300 pouds by now, for sure.

The scary part comes here - I've been haveing a bit of sugar. In my mind, since its' not gummy bears (the BIG no-no binge food for me) It's almost like it's OK. I haven't even told Narda, but here I am, telling you, the internet. I guess that's why it's called a web journal - writing is safe. I'm afraid to tell Narda - it's like telling your spouse that (if you ar ean alcoholic) that you've started drinking again, but just beer... that's kind of how I feel.

When I strated writing this, I didn't want to go to my WW meeting, but I think I'll go now, even if I did gain a pound or two. I need the support.

Lord help me, I don't want to gain any more weight. I just feel SO out of control right now. I guess this is the right period of time to deal with this, afterall, we are in the middle of the days of Awe, Yom Kippur begins Wednesday night, and her I am , in my 35th year, my next Saturn return. It's just SO much harder this time.

But I commit to you, dear ineternet, to STOP with the sugar.

That's a start.

Thanks for listening.

14 comments:

Jen said...

Thinking of you.

Tricia said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the power and strength you need to get to where you want to be.

Anonymous said...

Wow, we share incredibly similar stories - please know that I share in your ups and downs and wish you all the very best.

Chin up doll... one day at a time.

K

vixanne wigg said...

Okay...this is totally off track, but I wonder if Narda and my BF MAH know each other. I clicked the google link on Narda and saw she did a stint at Seattle Rep. So did MAH...weird...6 degrees and all...


About the weight....well, I have my own weight problems. I have never managed to cut out sugar. I lost a lot of weight while living in NYC, walking most places, doing WW and with a little help from my friend phentermine and my lovely lovely friends cigarettes on the side. Ah, I will forever miss cigarettes. My writing has gone to shit without them.

I don't know what to tell you. You know that if you WANT to do it you will. It just sucks. Personally, I've always been a fan of the one meal a day diet. Eat one meal a day and during that meal eat whatever you want.

mermaidgrrrl said...

Hi Shelli! I'm also delightfully rounded (hee hee) and doing pre-conception. I've lost 8 kgs so far - about 18 lbs I think that is? I'm joining WW again next week and starting to walk home from work a couple of days a week. I find it really hard to lose, I think partly because I don't actually mind my body being fat, I'm healthy and my partner loves me to death. If only my self esteem were lower! LOL One thing I'm doing that has helped me start to have healthier eating habits (not that they were bad anyway - pretty much the same as you describe with the lasagne) is deciding to eat mainly organic and bio-dynamic foods. I've been shopping at the organic markets on Saturday mornings which is just so inspiring and it basically rules out anything packaged to eat, which usually has lots of fats and sugars and additives. Organic food is more expensive, so I value it more. This helps lots with sticking to meal plans (I don't let any of my organic stuff go to waste) and portion sizes. Don't know if this is of any help to you, but good luck!
PS I'm drinking so much fertility tea I don't have room for anything else too ;-)

Sami said...

Shelli...

I'm so with you on this one... I have a past history of bulimia... and I can honestly say I haven't purged in about a year. We (DH and I) are actively ttc and of course... we've had an ectopic and a miscarriage in the 6 months we've been trying. I've maintained my weight - but I'm on the high end rather than the low end... and god how food really really makes me feel terrible. I eat fairly healthy but I don't exercise... how the heck to get motivated...

I wish you well in your struggles... We both know it's worth it... it's just sometimes easier to bury our heads in the sand sometimes isn't it?

Lots of luck... and keep your chin up... Let Narda know what's going on... she'll help.

Sam

Calliope said...

Shelli- man, it is freaky. I am 29 & in the midst of a Saturn Return myself. (just started reading about it a few weeks ago so I got chills when you mentioned it.)
I also had food issues. (I stopped eating when I started NYU b/c suddenly I was happy. Before only food made me happy) The past two years I got so healthy. Lost weight, started to eat really well & I quit smoking. (One of my New Year's resolutions is to START smoking next year if I am still not pg. I miss it. Or maybe I just miss the me that used to smoke.)
Ok - what I wanted to say was - I HEAR you. TTC fucks you up. All bets are off. I dare anyone with food issues to not revisit old patterns while trying to emotionaly deal with vagina issues.
I think you are strong and brave & wonderful. You are being so honest with yourself. I think Narda would know just how to catch you.
xxoo

Bebu said...

Thinking of you

Good Luck

Jennifer said...

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

cat said...

You are brave and strong. We both know the first step in getting to what you want it talking about it... bravo. You have my support and love.

S said...

smooches smooches smooches to you dear Shelli.........please know that we're always here for you, no matter what.......

lauralu said...

food issues are so complicated, aren't they? i gained 65 lbs between when i met my husband in early 2000 and when i got pregnant the first time (may 2004). weirdly, because i've been so sick in the early stages of both pregnancies, i'm down 20 lbs (well, maybe 18 now, after the 2 1/2 bags of reese's miniatures...) from where i was at the first conception, but i'm sure the longer i go without being pregnant, the more my weight will creep back up. food is never simple, but your determination is admirable.

go on and fight the good fight!

(p.s. does it help to know that gummy bears are made from gelatin, which is a by-product of commercial slaughtering, made from animal hides and bones? thought that might gross you out enough to lose your taste for them...)

Trista said...

Shelli:

My thoughts are with you. I just started ww myself (2nd time in 2 years) and have been struggling with the realization that I have an eating disorder myself. I've been working on a post about it but not sure I can actually talk about it yet. I think you're amazing and brave and I've been so glad that I found your blog.

Estelle said...

Shelli,
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. Trying to get (and stay) pg doesn't help either, as of course it is so easy to think that a tray of brownies will make it better.
I hope that you are able to get it under control again. Good luck!