In my midnight confessions....

6 + years ago, (April 1999, to be exact), I gave up wheat, flour and sugar, and I joined Overeaters Anonymous. In the course of a year, I went from 280 pounds to 160 pounds. I looked and felt great. It was the first time in my life that I lost weight in a healthful way... (tune in another day for the story of my Bulemic past)

I was 28 years old, in the middle of my Saturn Return, and really keen to work on my self. I started therapy. I was really into the whole 12 step thing. It was EASY to lose weight, as I was eating CRAP, and I simply stopped that part. I mean, I always ate realtively healthfully, actually, but it was ingredients and quantity that got me to my top weight. For example, I'd make a vegetable lasagne, but pile on the cheese... you get the picture. So I cut out a lot of ingredients.

May, 2000, just a little over a year later, I met Narda.

We met at a Stage Managers Association meeting, no sooner met then fell in love, no sooner fell in love than moved in, yada yada yada. No Lesbian and a U-Haul stories tonight, dear internet....

In 2002, we talked about creating a family. I was still eating pretty healthfully, but Narda could see my food addiction rear its ugly head in many ways; ways other people may not have noticed. She was concerned that trying to start having a family could wreck havoc with my food plan, with my weight, etc.

December 31st, 2002 was my last cigarette. EVER. I still mourn smoking. I miss it terribly sometimes. So terribly. It's like a void within me. Only a fellow former smoker would understand. I smoked for over 18 years. I als0o slowly started giving up coffee, all to "TTC" (try to conceive) We went on a cruise in February - I ate a lot. I wasn't smoking, "I deserved it." We strated introducing sperm in August of 2003, and each month that didn't take, I helped my self feel better with food.

Almost three years later, and Narda's fears have come true. I had lost 125 pounds over 5 years ago, but I have been slowly gaining a lot of them back. Dear internet, I now weigh 230. EEK. I joined weight watchers last year, and had a great start. It's now year later, and I weigh just about 3 pounds less than when I joined. I can see the good in that, meaning, I maintained my weight for a whole year.. Which is AWESOME for me. If it weren't for the gym, I'd be 300 pouds by now, for sure.

The scary part comes here - I've been haveing a bit of sugar. In my mind, since its' not gummy bears (the BIG no-no binge food for me) It's almost like it's OK. I haven't even told Narda, but here I am, telling you, the internet. I guess that's why it's called a web journal - writing is safe. I'm afraid to tell Narda - it's like telling your spouse that (if you ar ean alcoholic) that you've started drinking again, but just beer... that's kind of how I feel.

When I strated writing this, I didn't want to go to my WW meeting, but I think I'll go now, even if I did gain a pound or two. I need the support.

Lord help me, I don't want to gain any more weight. I just feel SO out of control right now. I guess this is the right period of time to deal with this, afterall, we are in the middle of the days of Awe, Yom Kippur begins Wednesday night, and her I am , in my 35th year, my next Saturn return. It's just SO much harder this time.

But I commit to you, dear ineternet, to STOP with the sugar.

That's a start.

Thanks for listening.