Life ramblings and the journey through adoption. It's been SO hard to 'get honest' about my food. The truth of the matter is that I've been really 'bad' lately. Why do I self sabotage? I had been doing REALLY well for a while, and was only 4 pounds away from my 10 percent goal of 24 pounds lost. As of today's weigh in, I'm 13 pounds away.
I don't understand why I 'fall off' the proverbial wagon, and have done so before, allowing my internal 'fuckits' to take over- you now, as in: 'oh, fuck it, one slice of pizza will be fine.' Well, it's not. I currently weigh (as of today's weigh-in) 231.8 pounds. And I am 5'6'' tall. There, now the world knows. It's just a number. But. But. But. That number makes my face fuller in pictures, it makes my knees crunch when going up stairs, it makes Malka squish my legs and laugh. All innocently, but it secretly stings a little inside.
I don't like my body as it. I don't want to "accept my fat," because it's not healthy for my body. Some people, it may be healthy for them, and "fat acceptance" may be fine for them, so I'm not denying anyone the right to love themselves as they are. We should all be so lucky. I sure could work on accepting myself as I am while on this journey. But I still have to lose weight.
And the ONLY way for me to do so is to track my food, move more, and not just blindly stuff my face when i feel like it.
A little tough love with myself.
Until it becomes a habit.
I don't understand why I 'fall off' the proverbial wagon, and have done so before, allowing my internal 'fuckits' to take over- you now, as in: 'oh, fuck it, one slice of pizza will be fine.' Well, it's not. I currently weigh (as of today's weigh-in) 231.8 pounds. And I am 5'6'' tall. There, now the world knows. It's just a number. But. But. But. That number makes my face fuller in pictures, it makes my knees crunch when going up stairs, it makes Malka squish my legs and laugh. All innocently, but it secretly stings a little inside.
I don't like my body as it. I don't want to "accept my fat," because it's not healthy for my body. Some people, it may be healthy for them, and "fat acceptance" may be fine for them, so I'm not denying anyone the right to love themselves as they are. We should all be so lucky. I sure could work on accepting myself as I am while on this journey. But I still have to lose weight.
And the ONLY way for me to do so is to track my food, move more, and not just blindly stuff my face when i feel like it.
A little tough love with myself.
Until it becomes a habit.
11 comments:
love you chica and cheering on your get healthy efforts.
Good! I'd be happy to help you in ANY way you'd like.
It's not easy. If it was, we'd all be thin.
One pound at a time. One meal at a time.
I always tell myself "THIS hand puts THIS food into THIS mouth. The food doesn't control me, I control me."
Good luck Shelli.
I went back to WW yesterday to start all over again. I went back today to buy a food journal. I have to track every little bit that goes in. It is going to be a tough journey, isn't it? We can do it though.
Maybe in the future I'll post about my own weight woes, but I'm right around the numbers that you wrote.
I know all about the pain of trying to lose weight and the self-sabotage that accompanies it.
Basically, I've learned that I can live with myself as I am... but I'd like to lose weight for health reasons. It just isn't happening though, I haven't hit rock bottom yet, and usually that's what it takes for me to get off my butt and start doing something.
Oh well, I'm rooting for you though, so if someone I know can do it, maybe I'll be able to do it too...
Sorry it is so hard. Keep taking those forward steps and don't worry too much about the backward ones!
Skip the tough love and just love your wonderful self. Ok - a little butt kicking helps from time to time but I've found that forgiving yourself is more effective.
Find a program you can live with. I love weight watchers but I also know it's not for everyone.
Wishing you the best of luck. I know how HARD it is. I am right there with you. I just need to give myself that swift kick in the ass too.
i am right there with you. it is such a beast, this losing weight thing. i guess i always look at it like, well at least i have lost x lbs, rather than gaining that much or more if i was not going to meetings. 11.8 lbs is 11.8 lbs. that's almost 48 sticks of butter. i like to think of it in terms of sticks of butter. like, well, that's x sticks of butter right off my ass! lol! hang in there. you have found success in this area before and you will find it again! thinking of you!
soooo with you on this. I wish we all lived in the same city so we could help each other out.
sending love.
xo
The weight and eating thing is SO hard. You can do this though, you can gain control.
I don't know you but came across your blog...totally agree with you on this one! hang in there!---Dolores
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