Life ramblings and the journey through adoption.
OK, so 2006 rolls around, the beginning of my 36th year on this planet, and what should I get to greet the new year with?
Gas pains that mimic a heart attack.
Oh joy.
Like BOOM - I enter 2006, and my body sends a gentle, loving reminder that it's ageing.
Damn.
It was one of my first nights in Seattle with Narda, and I made her stay up with me as we played cards, and I drank seltzer. I ran out and got Maalox the next day - but I'll tell ya, nothing works like seltzer to clear a few lodged gas bubbles. NOTHING. Just take a BIG swig of the stuff, wait a few minutes, and Voila! Pain-be-gone.
I'm still going to go see my doctor on Thursday morning, just to check things out.
And I had oatmeal for breakfast today, my winter staple. And my goal is to go to the gym today after work. I think the other remedy to this new development with my body will be massive weight loss. I have about 50-60 pounds to lose to get healthy, and about 20 more than that if I can do it, but I'll take 50-60 at this point. I fell asleep thinking about going back to OA. It's where I lost the big amount when I was 28. Which I'm not anymore. And I quit smoking three years ago, and I was on fertility drugs for almost a year after that. So I do have to be a bit gentle with myself in terms of expectations being different this time. But I have to do SOMETHING. And it will be good to focus singularly on something for a while; (read: instead of focusing on the lack of a small bi-pedeal in our lives).
I adore my therapist, but I fear she just can't help me in this respect. She's not an eating disorder therapist, and it's obvious. I've called her on the fact that she tends to change the subject after I bring up the food stuff, and she reminds me "that I know how to do it." That I have to find ways to "nurture" myself without food.
Well DUH.
It's SO hard when you *know* how to do something, but still find it hard to do so, despite your best efforts.
8 comments:
I so hear you on this. My therapist is not an expert but she's been good so far. I'm just a wench in denial!
And if you need a WW, Lucille Roberts or OA running buddy let me know. I need to lose 70lbs for health and another 30 to please the doc.
I hope for your sake that your therapist is helping you in the other areas of your life if she can't handle the eating disorder stuff. Have you thought about seeing an ED specialist periodically?
I'm supersuper sensitive about therapists, as I've had more than my fair share of bad ones. You seem to like yours, though, for which I'm grateful. A good therapist is incredibly valuable, but they're still human. Maybe outsourcing your food issues to another party might be what's best.
thanks Em. I did see and ED specialist WAAAAAY back in the day. it's a good idea to perhaps mix the two; as I'm not ready to leave Peggy...
Sophia - thanks! I might take you up on that - there's a great OA meeting (that I used to chair, *sigh*) called 100 pound winners on tuesday nights at 6pm that I'm going ot try and go back to. I dreampt about the meeting last night, so I'll take that as a sign.
All the fertility meds & fear of vigorous exercise (so I just didn't do jack) has left me with the worst feelings about my body. It is so different from when I was actively battling my ED. I have to wonder if it is some sort of sabotage that I have rigged: I can't get preggo so I will abuse my body with poor treatment.
I am so proud of you for making plans to take care of yourself. It is very inspiring.
Best of luck, Shelli.
I know how frustrating it is when knowing what you "should" do makes no difference.
My personal opinion is that when I'm in that situation, I have some kind of blind spot about what's going on, or why. I mean, if it were as simple as just doing what we "know" to do, we're smart, we'd be doing it. We do it all the time in other areas of life.
Good luck in taking this area of your life to a new level of working. Like Calliope said, it's inspiring.
Cheering for you over here and I know you will find a way to your goals. You are beautiful strong and determined.
*rah rah rah*
Have you considered a support group in the city maybe? I'm not sure if you would dig that or if it would be helpful just a thought. Perhaps you already go and this is redundant.
Shelli, I know you can do it!! If I can do it, well start to do it, anyone can. If you need a WW, venting or whatever buddy, I'm here for ya too!!
It's not so much that you're aging but that you're stressing. You deserve a massage!
Post a Comment