Thursday, September 08, 2005

Stirring the pot...

Our journey through infertility and adoption has its ebb and flow of emotion.

Usually, I'm of the mindset that "it will happen, we are blessed to have so many calls in the past few months, our baby is out there, yada yada yada"

I am now, however, in a bitter and rensentful place. (this too shall pass, but let me enjoy being a bitch about it for a while...) There is an on line support group I joined nearly 3 years ago when Narda and I started this journey to parenthood, thinking "we'll get pregnant in the first few months, it will all be so easy."

And then the universe laughed at us.

We tried for over 14 cycles, with GREAT timing, medication, good sperm (4 different anonymous donors) and a clean bill of health from my primary, my gyn, and my RE (reproductive endocronologist) After the first few times, my friends started tuning out, I was still so fascinated by the science of it all, and kept forgetting that my friends really DIDN'T care aobut my uterus or my cervical mucous... Because to me, it was simply science - to them, it was TMI...

Each time it didn't work, I got more and more numb to the process, and continued to look at it as science. I took comfort in food, and I gained weight. (the fertility drugs helped that a little bit, but in reality it was me, and thinking that going to the gym would be "bad" for an embryo.... I just used that as an excuse not to go) I lost a part of myself in the process, Narda and I lost a part of us in the process, we forgot why we were doing this to begin with.

Fast forward to July 2004, when we went to our orientation session at Spence Chapin It was a breath of fresh air, and we decided to focus solely on adoption, after using up the sperm we had in storage. Our agency is GREAT, truly. The wait it hard, but it WILL happen - you all have read about how close we have come, and our awesome social worker, Nicole, told me just a few days ago that there is a lot of positive interest in us, that nothing is solid yet, but that she should be giving us a call in a few weeks.

ALL of this to say (I never was good at making things short), I have allowed myself to dabble in the bitterness a bit, and to be a bit sassy on my on-line support group - specifically in the donor sperm boards. (I am SO grateful for the NY/NJ boards, as that's where I met Stef and Cat and I TRULY do not think that I could have survived this journey without them - thank you for that. (I ADORE you two!)

But back to the fun... so the donor sperm boards has a fun mixed group of hormonal women - lesbians, single women, married couples with male factor infertility, and LOTS of hormones, because when you move into the realm of donor sperm, it's almost a guarantee that fertility will be involved. Lately, there has been a rash of women who NEVER post, and then pop in and say something like: "Wow! It worked on the first try, we're pregnant!" And expect everyone to rush in and congratulate them. I used to give a hearty Mazel Tov to each and every BFP (big fat positive on a pregnancy test) announcement. I've stopped, and in fact, one woman posted that she used her husband's sperm as an insemination, and on the first time, bam! She's preggers, and makes a post that says "it works!" Well, imagine just how thrilled for her I was... So I left a sassy reply, and got reported. TWICE. Sheesh. It would be SO much better if people would just say to your face: "What you wrote conflicted with me, or somehting like that" but to go to "big brother" and report it. Man.... it just gets under my skin.

So keep an eye on the link in the title, I'm feeling rather sassy lately, and I'm at home right now, as work has me swamped lately, but that will calm down a bit soon, and I'll be back to my normal, supportive, cheery self, but I'm having fun getting in touch with my sassy side....


Heather said...

I'm feeling pretty sassy myself, so I'll join you. I now have 3 SILs pregnant. One having her first in two weeks, another that had mult miscarriages after her first DD due in the spring, and the last announcement on Sunday, my other BILs wife is 6 weeks along with their third child.

I said something bad to DH a few hours after he told me, "The first still BMs in her pants sometimes and she's going into 2nd grade. The kindergartner won't talk to anyone but his parents and he's seeing a psychologist. What'll be wrong with this one?" It was unkind you know, but I have one perfect little girl (with a perfectionist attitude I'm working on), why can't I have another.

Sassy R Us?!

cat said...

You can be sassy anytime chica... none of this would have been possible without friends like you and stef. Thanks for being there too.

Jen said...

Why not report her for being off-topic? Seriously.

I whine to whats-her-face about posts I think are obnoxious and she moves them to buddy groups, no questions asked. Then at least they aren't staring me in the face every time I log on.

Very annoying, the whole mess.

Jennifer said...

I agree with Jen. That post didn't belong there anyway. I don't even bother anymore, too many new people messing with the vibe.

Liz said...

How I wish I could wave a magic wand or just my hand and with one wave take away all your hurt.

And then, with the other hand, make your baby appear. RIGHT NOW.

Kelly & Sam Pilgrim-Byrne said...

I agree with you, Shelli - I haven't posted on FF for ages because it just seems different to how it used to be - as Jennifer said, different vibe.

ALL our close friends are pregnant after the first attempt. We're happy for them, but it still hurts.