Thursday, August 11, 2005

anxiety

Waves of nausea fill me, like morning sickness. I sit in “guarded” optimism.

Narda is wanting to talk about it all the time, I’m nervous to even speak about it. I’m afraid it won’t happen.

I’m waiting to have the conversation with my boss about a “possible” leave of absence. I don’t know how it will go, well, I hope.

Narda’s making lists of everything we need, and reading a book about a baby’s growth, week by week. I read the first few weeks, “for educational purposes only.”

Why can’t I let myself feel excitement? I’m afraid to. I want to wait until the last possible minute to jump for joy.

This is the closest we’ve ever become to being parents, and I feel like I’m walking on Karmic eggshells.

I hate feeling like this, I want to give into the joy, instead of the anxiety.

8 comments:

Jen said...

I think it makes perfect sense. When you guys first got "in pool" you said it was like being pregnant. So in a way, all those almosts were miscarriages of a sort. Definitely losses, no matter what you call them. And when your heart gets hurt, it builds walls so it won't get hurt again. You're protecting yourself against the small possibility of another loss. It sucks, but its human nature.

However, you'll have plenty of joy once you have a kid in your arms, so just hang on for a little bit longer and know we're thinking of you and wishing we could make it easier for you.

Anonymous said...

I agree completely with what Jen said - it's all about protection. I wish there were some magic way that I knew to somehow not be anxious but I'm too good a worrier myself...

We're all sending good thoughts your way though...

martha

Heatherg said...

Jen pretty much said it.
Its like pins and needles, but do you know that we are all thinking about ya'll and sending happy thoughts and well wishes!!

Keep us informed! I'm excited for you!

cat said...

Oh honey it's totally normal to feel this way. After the rollercoaster ride you two have been on some anxiety and a desire to protect yourself is expected.

I'm thinking of you everyday and hoping that things continue to look bright. ((hug))

AmyMrsR said...

I agree, it's a protection instinct. (and from my experience, a very jewish one..Big Smile!) How long did it take for me to POAS? It's the old jewish PooPooPoo... "I cant lose this because you cant lose something you dont have." Hell, I still felt that way for the 1st 2-3 weeks of the pregnancy! Dont worry, when its finally a YES,and I truly think it will be, you'll be reading right next to Narda!
Big Hugs
Amy

Mary said...

Shelli and Narda.........

I am so excited for you both!!

QueenBee said...

Just found my way to your site somehow and wanted to say - WOO-HOO! I'm crossing my fingers and sending prayers your way. Wishing you the best!

Heather said...

I also understand where your anxiety lays. Good luck. We're all hanging in here for you guys.