Monday, May 02, 2005

lonliness

So Narda's been out of town, working on a show, and I see her once a week. It's fun every so often - I get to leave the ironing board out, play with my video games a bit more, eat on the couch, etc. But I sure do miss her.

It also, sadly, brings up old childhood shit. I was always the last picked for dodgeball. OK, let me correct that - I was the "Oh no, we have Shelli on our team" left over... I always had to ask friends out to play, and the recprocity was limited. I am still scarred from those early experiences, no matter how self-affirming I may be.

So what does this do to me as an adult? I have a tendancy to always feel left out - at home, at work, with my friends, even when that isn't the intention. I'm working on not feeling that way, but it's HARD. So now, when I'm feeling especially vunerable, I admitted to Narda that I was feeling lonely on Friday night. Saturday, one of my best friend's little brother called; he lives in Brooklyn, and was looking to move to our neighbourhood, and wanted to come over. I was thrilled. So we agreed on brunch at our house Sunday morning. It was Pesach, so I went all out, and made potato latkes, and had to wake up Narda (who needed to sleep) to keep an eye on the doorbell, as I needed to hop in the shower. As I get out of the shower, my cell phone rings, and it's Nathan, having to cancel, as he had just woken up, and would love to see me another time.

For any normal person, that would be that, no problem, totally cool. For me on a normal day, totally cool. Sunday, however, I proceded to bawl my eys out in the kitchen while making Matzah Brie.

it's been a total "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms" Kind of weekend.

Now I know and am grateful that I am blessed to be loved by some wonderful friends, and a great family, and a beautiful and fabulous partner, but it still hurts, in a very third grade kind of hurt, which is the worst kind of hurt, because it's so primal.

3 comments:

cat said...

Sometimes it's really hard to get that angry inner child to shut the hell up isn't it? I'd pick you for my team anytime. :)

Me said...

I have this thing, too. I'm always sure that it's something really personal when someone cancels or what have you. But it isn't because, this isn't third grade and, even though I'm SURE you were cool then (too cool for the other kids to comprehend it), I'm doubly sure you're cool now. Who wouldn't want to be your friend?

Kerryn said...

Hugs to you Shelli, I really identify with that left-out-third-grader feeling, and the rejected feelings it brings up still.